Notes

Hey ... I am just kinda checking in with you ... I guess. I don't know. I just got like super anxious ... I am starting to think I want to back out of the meeting tomorrow. I know it's nothing serious ... but it is. I don't like meeting people without a comfort person ... I don't even like meeting people ... I don't know. I know I'm panicing over nothing .. but I can't help it. I keep trying to see the good out of all this but mentally I'm not ready. I haven't been ready since we started talking about all this. It's starting to smack me in the face, senior year, ORS, College, Jobs, not having anyone ... I don't know. Mentally I feel like I'm falling down again. I keep putting a smile on my face because there isn't another way to try and stay positive when all this is happening. But once again, it's at night and I'm all alone. I tried singing, rapping, and even listening to music but slowly ended up listening to depression music. I don't know anymore. I'm too anxious right now and I really hope that I can wake up feeling a little better. I keep reminding myself that I can drive to West Bay which is better than a bus but I don't feel comfortable and I don't know what I want to do right now. I don't have anyones number to even cancel on them but I can't cancel because they will be upset ... I will be upset ... Karen Joyce and You would be upset. I know it ... I don't know. I've been crying for quite a few minutes now but I can't help it. I think thats why I have been trying to keep myself busy because I don't know what else to do with myself. I'm glad I'm off tomorrow because I can sleep when I come back home ... although I really don't want to go and I don't really have an option to go to school. I don't know. Typing this is making me so much more upset. But If I don't type it I won't speak it. I know I won't. I don't really like being 18 ... I don't like going places on my own ... especially because it's for me ... which also means i have to speak for myself and that is terrible in mind.