Notes

I am in a very confusing state of mind and there are so many reasons to wind up like this. Sometimes it sounds like a mystery to know mysef. Am I fucked up or complicated? Why am I feeling different from other people? Sometimes they seem like a bunch of waste I wouldn't even bother to squander a sec on. But the uncanny part is I cannot think about the boy I madly love. He brings out the aspects to me that I have never seen before. Experiencing what those aspect bring along is unbearable time to time. Even his existence on the planet is enough to hold me up. I forget about my personality and my life and I just focus on him. I know it's an unhealthy habit or maybe it's a toxic addiction. I want him to talk to me 24/7 and it sounds insane, right? I can't stand the thought of him killing time with other people. I just wanted him secluded from all people. I know it is a fucking sick idea but I can't help it. Maybe there is this fear of losing people which goes back to my childhood. I don't wanna lose him. He is my first love. Even though I am not ready to reveal and scream it to his face I still value our relationship. When he needs me İ feel like I fill some kinda void in his life that nobody can. He is the reason why I cry out like a lunatic. He is also the reason I look foward to the future. It's like a freaking dillema that I can't figure out. I tried to work out so many solutions to stop talking to him but they didn't work.