Notes

From the First Four Minutes
Did you ever wonder what makes some people become friends and others not?
According to Dr. Leonard Zunin, whether people become friends is at least partly
determined by the way they interact when they first meet, that is, in their first
"contact." In his book Contact: The First Four Minutes, Zunin discusses contacts
with 'strangers, friends, lovers, children, bosses, blind dates, plumbers, teachers,
politicians-the whole cast of characters in your individual world." But the most
interesting part of his thesis is the idea that the first four minutes of contact can be
crucial in determining how the rest of the interaction and perhaps the whole
relationship will go.
Part of Zunin's research consisted of observing strangers interact. These
observations made it clear that four minutes was the average time which lapsed
before these strangers decided to continue the interaction or to separate. For
example, when two people are introduced for the first time, it is normal for them to
chat for a few minutes before moving away to talk to someone else. Although most
people are behaving unconsciously, they would feel uncomfortable and impolite if
they did not spend those first few minutes interacting with the new person, but they
do not feel required to spend longer than 3-5 minutes. They will only continue the
contact if there is some reason to do so.
What does that mean for the average person? A relationship can only develop if both
parties are interested in pursuing it. So, how can you let someone know that you are
interested? If you want to start new friendships, Zunin says, "Every time you meet
someone in a social situation, give him (or her) your undivided attention for four
minutes." Perhaps you have been, for example, at a party. You are introduced to a
man who spends his time looking over your shoulder or around the room instead of
at you as though he were looking for someone more interesting to talk to. Zunin's
findings suggest that you will lose interest in that person because of his behavior,
and you will not bother to seek his friendship. In other words, it is important to give
your undivided attention for the first four minutes of contact with anyone you would
like to make into a friend.
Furthermore, if you want to be well liked, Zunin's advice is to act self-confident,
friendly, and happy. People like people who like themselves. But what if in fact you
are not self-confident but shy and insecure? Isn't it dishonest to pretend to be
someone you are not naturally? The answer is that we become shy or self-confident
partly because of the way we have been socialized. In other words, we are not
necessarily born shy or insecure, and therefore, we can learn to become more self-
confident. Zunin feels that learning how to interact well with people is such an
important social skill that it should be taught in school. Besides, acting self-confident
will give you the success in social situations that will make you be more self-
confident.
Finally, Zunin claims that the first four minutes of contact are important even for
family members. Because we have a long history with members of our families, they
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will understand and forgive us if we do not always behave as they would like, and
negative interactions in the first few minutes are not irreversible, of course.
Nevertheless, if you have not seen your family for a while, it is unwise to immediately
begin talking about problems and complaints when you first see them. If you talk
instead about pleasant subjects, they are more likely to be happy with you and to be
able to deal well with the problems later.
If you have your doubts about the usefulness of Dr. Zunin's advice, at least give his
suggestion a try. The next time you are at a party or other social gathering, do your
best to seem self-confident, attentive, and happy with yourself during the first few
minutes of contact. You may find the rewards well worth the effort.