Notes

https://youtu.be/f_-W9tE1zJ8

The video recording was last sunday morning. I don't expect anything anymore.

I told everything down to the minuscule detail to my therapist.
How i was behaving towards you and how you were reacting. I was very unbiased and made sure i didn't leave any detail since day 1.

Here's her assessment:

It seems extended voice call, has awaken a deep unsettling trauma in you that you have blocked.
For years and years, you have listened to your parents arguing, hiding behind walls. You never saw their faces when they fought, and this has left space for your imagination to create the worse case scenario.
When things got harder with her, you didn't know what was going on the other side, and this triggered the same trauma as a child: your anxious attachment style, your dependence to her, and your fear of abandonement. Like your parents, she is someone you love deeply and fear that she will go away. This pushed you to overexplain more than necessary to make sure every point was covered.

She only knows a version of you that is traumatic. Whenever she tries to leave, she felt distressed both physically and emotionally, and that is the reason keeping her distance at times recharges her, but she was in the incapacity to break free from your grasp.
Your year-round calls provoked remorse and cristism in her regards long before you knew it. That why she remained quiet on call at the start when you elaborated your needs. It's a common reaction to freeze in place in the face of threats, which she'd overcome by ignoring, to look on the positive side. This repeated pattern denied her from the freedom of being an individual outside the relationship, slowly ripping her of her sense of identity, and relying her worth onto you. That's when video call should have been implemented urgently. Your lack of visual cues made it impossible for you to see her face when you were hurting her.

Her constant break-ups were a cry for help to leave this relation or at least have the freedom to know she can. Your fear of loosing her would then kick in, and you would promise her to be productive, work on yourself, and an assurance of a better future all of a sudden, which you actually delievered for the most part but it was all within the context of a better partner on a voice only call. All it took was a certain phrase or tone of a past event to bring out the trauma she put behind. Your caring and loving personality along with your desire to apologize after every argument, and to make it right, confused her with strong feelings of love and gestures of kindness. This lowered her guard and allowed her to trust you again until she gets triggered by a wrong word that brings a cristism to her mind.
This pattern came off as a cycle of abuse in her eyes.
This developed an accelerated sense of insecurity(not being good enough), along with doubts and inabilities to trust her own feelings & thoughts, causing physical and emotional exhaustion and lost of interest which could explain her lack of interest over the past months.
Your initial fear grew more with each cycle. You started to navigate safe waters by actually taking necessary actions. With each failure you grew more frustrated and misunderstood. Like her, you also felt you turned into someone you didn't want to be. You couldn't let her go as this evoked a sense of abandonement from childhood. This perpetual need to fix what you didn't understand, wouldn't allow her to create a safe space for her escape which for you translated to her irrationality. You came off as dependent and clingy for those reasons.
Your inability to make an effort to video call stem from your parents ignoring you. You felt invisible throughout your whole life from your loved ones, so you convinced yourself she wouldn't like what she saw either. The recent turn of events in your house manifested that conviction into your head.

She took it upon herself to help you recover when your anxiety showed up. She would rationalize her stay with a potential of you to change and understanding of your circumstances. She would remind herself of a time when you didn't have anxiety. This caused a slippery slope in her sense of self-worth, where she simply thought she was not strong & good enough to reciprocate your tedious love. She lost herself in the process being delusioned that you need her and she needs you.

You weren't aware at all what she was going on since all that was happening were constant eruptive arguments followed by positive reinforcement. She felt trapped and powerless to leave, as she could witness your progress but at the same time foresee a future influx of persuasion to stay in the relationship from you, leaving her suffocated and in a perpetual state of confusion. She felt you were controlling her even if it wasn't your goal.

Unlike most guys, girls don't make the decision to break-up out of nowhere. They thought about it for a while and execute it when a major event confirms their suspicions. The reason she might have broke up suddenly in a game without prior provocation is your casual loosen-up attitude might have severely triggered and confirmed what she established of you. She probably felt humiliated in front of her friends the first time and picked up controlling behaviours the second time from your questions.
Unfortunately, the heated message you left thereafter put the nail in the coffin. It validated all her suspicions that you were mistreating her all those months and was enough for her to leave for good. For you, you felt let-down on the enormous efforts put and hurt deep inside, and most words you didn't mean literally although your feelings were valid. You still wanted her but it was blatant abuse for her at this point

I've treated patients from different backgrounds from child trauma to relationship, to pstd. Your curiosity to understand and help her is genuine. One common trait of people with childhood trauma is when is they love someone, they do so with all their heart with a love they never received before and avoid conflict at all cost. Her involuntary reaction to freeze in place and ignore/move on from an issue, put you in a spot where you had to overexplain and repeat the same things, in fear you might have hurt her. As time progresses, you shifted towards working on your fear but nevertheless, this was only a temporary reaction to what you couldn't confirm visually. Your phone ringing will always prime you into a tense anxious state. When you expressed your needs and wants it'd stretched into an unwanted barrage of critism that she is not enough for you, in her ears.
Communication is impossible this way, when you both blindly guess and expect something bad to happen. There is only so much that can be genuinely understood without taking it personally. With the recent change in your parents dynamic, it appears your childhood trauma along with its symptoms only comes to the surface when you don't see her. Once you see her face, you exhibit little to no sign of stress, and revert back to your confident self, as you are not scared anymore and she could actually see the intensity of what you say through your face and body language.

Your relationship is unhealthy. On one side you have circumstancial childhood trauma,on the other side, you have perceived cycle of abuse. LDR is already hard on its own without touch. This style of restricted communication prevented open talks and held the relationship back with unresolved conflicts and doubts.
Face to face plays a crucial role for the survival of a relationship.
All you can do now is wait, and not put your life on hold. If she comes back and you decide to give it another shot, a regular amount of video calls per week is necessary to rebuild the trust and break the cycle for good.

This was a 1.5hr session over the course of 3 days. I typed more than she actually said bc i put everything i understood through my own experience in my own words. I was asking a lot of questions to which she gave her honest opinion and ended up with a question for me to reflect on, back and forth.
__________________________________________________________
I'm so so so sorry 😣 I feel so ashamed and disappointed of myself. I had absolutely no idea whatsoever what you were going through, and how much i hurt you. I never saw the situation that way. It wasn't my intention 😥 at all to perpetuate that. I only knew the solution to the problems but couldn't acknowledge and validate your feelings.
For some reason, the urge to act on my impulses is gone . I understand now, i finally understand what you went through and why my attempts were unsuccesful.
i am calmer and relieved now. It's like knowing you are going to a better place. it's not painful anymore.

I'm finally in this position, where letting you go is more important than my selfish reason to keep you unhappy.
The love i have for you will never extinguish until my last breath♾
I love you with a pure heart that knows no hate. None of what happened was ever your fault. Remember that.
I'm sorry if my words resonated as a controlling echo throughout our journey or if they portraited you as not being my ideal girl.
I apologize if i didn't love you the right way, unconditionally, without fear trumping me.
I will always take a part of you with me everywhere i go.
You have filled my life with great joy, unconditional love, and you've taught me to treat everyone the same and acceptance of oneself. You believed in me when no one else did, and you always tried to the best girlfriend, although you never for one second had to prove your worth to me. You are truly an incredible person to share a life with and anyone will be lucky to have you. I am proud of how far you have come.
Part of me wished we'd talk under different circumstances, but it's too late now.

Please don't read too much into what i said as a manipulative tactic to win you back

I love you babyboo❤, my dingdong, my babygirl🤍.
Mahal kitty
your baguette 🥖