Notes

This is my sexual assault story:
So in June 3, 2021, I will remember that day for the rest of my life, even though I don't want to. Before all of this happened I trusted this 22 year old guy which I was completley dumb for doing that because I was always taught not to trust people older than you unless its a family member. Everyone that knew this guy kept telling me he's bad news which should of been the first red flag. I met my boyfriend back in Novemeber of 2020 and at the time we weren't dating we were just talking and that summer is when this guy came up at the station. He was always around the station but I didn't start noticing until I was a teenager which is really weird to me now that I am thinking about it. The second red flag was when he was talking to me about sexual stuff and I don't know everything about sex like I am not that smart. Which he is 22 I was 16 that's a big red flag that there was something wrong. Then on June 3rd there was a meeting at my dads station and he came out of the meeting and he wasn't supposed to, he told everyone he was going to the bathroom but in reality he was coming into the kitchen where I was, he had a plan I know he did. He knew I was going to be there so he came there and because there was a meeting you can lie and say your going to do something. So then he went to give me a hug and then all of a sudden he unbuttoned my pants and slipped his hand and put his fingers in my vagina, I was really uncomfortable, it hurt, it was very painful, I wanted to scream but I just couldn't because all I felt was pain and it was hard to breathe. After he was done I was left there in tears while he walked away with a smirk on his face. I immeditley texted my boyfriend because I did not know who else to tell, I really didn't want to tell anyone but I had to. Still to this day I have flashbacks and nightmares. I still am feeling all these emotions, I also blame myself because I could of listened to people but I didn't. Im more scared of things now and its putting a affect on my realtionship, I never wanted it to and it did and its all my fault. No one will ever understand the pain I went through and still go through to this day. I just wish I could express and just show you to understand but its hard. I want to move on but when you have something very very traumatic happen to you, you don't know how to feel. Sometimes you are like yes I can do this I can move on and there's other times where I was like no I can't do this. And that is ok to do, you are the one that went through all of that pain, you should be the one that decides when to move on. I always never understood why it had to be me. Before all of it my life was great, my boyfriend and I were getting along fine and then this happens and now we aren't and I want it to stop because on the inside its tearing me apart and no one knows that that's what's going on, I feel completly alone in this even tho i'm not at least I don't think and I wish people would understand that if I could go back and rewind it I would but I can't and I can't control what I am doing anymore and I can't help it. I mean I'm getting mad at my boyfriend for no reason like how is that fair to him, it doesn't make it right. I feel like calling him has helped me alot, just to hear the sound of his voice makes me feel safe and then when we cant call I get really upset and thats why I like to call and because we always have fun but its also becuase of that. Then im sitting in my room thinking about what happened that night. I feel anger, ashamed, its my fault, fear, anxiety but I can not help that. What happened tramutized me. My boyfriend has been there for me since day one, do we get into fights about this yes but its my fault becuase I cant control my emotions, but in the end he has been there for me and if he wants to not call or want some space I need to respect that which thats part of the assult to is that when we cant call I get upset. If I didnt have him I dont know where I would be right now. I dont think he realized how much he helped me or for how thankful that I am to have him in my life. This sexual assault teared me apart and it still is a little bit. It is never ok for a grown man to put his hands down a little girls pants, and there will be times when know one understands what you went through and how much it effected you but I promise there are other girls like me who went through the same thing and I know how that felt.