Notes

my dream about falling in love with friend that is soon unavailable

in dream it is established they are really good friends and are super friendly and touchy. they are playing a game in the pool when friend's love interest is introduced.
friend goes on to explain they are dating and will be leaving soon to have dinner.
mc is immediately hit and hurt by the news of her friend being in a relationship. they don't give friend a proper goodbye with a kiss as is normally something they do. she insists on something being the matter with her knee/foot and avoids the hug
next few hang out the friend brings over his gf and she is super nice and charming. she fits right in. mc tries not to like her but can't bring herself to do so.
she is completely torn apart watching her friend hold her hand and laugh and tease the gf. she begins to act a bit more standoffish and doesn't tackle friend or make fun of him as much. she only ever interacts with him around gf in a friendly teasing "you're too good for him" way
a mutual friend notices everything and they have a serious conversation. the mutual is very kind and says he'll do what he can to help her out with these new set of emotions while still being there for their friend.
mc avoids her friend and invests more time into working on projects and discovering things she likes. she also spends more time with friend who is showing lots of new colors and depth that she'd never bothered to learn/see before.
she promises to help set him up with her friend Emily who she thinks would be a great fit for him. he promises to always be by her side when it comes to their friend.
together they help each other. he is there for her when she begins to develop anxiety/panic attacks. she is there for him when it comes to standing up for himself in front of friends/family. she helps him understand he is strong and cool and capable like his role models
they skip idk how many thursday dinners/game nights which are almost a sacred ritual for the friend group *
*friend group consists of mc, friend, mutual, twins- one is deaf, and a couple. gf is soon a member. they are chosen family and all rely on each other somehow
maze game- a huge maze of hallways and crevices they all intertwine and have ample methods of navigating. its a sort of sardines/hide and seek game. the friends take it very serious. you wear an apple watch type thing that tracks you in the maze. the person that is it is notified when they are a certain distance from you (i.e. 20 feet or like 5 halls away) hiders/runners are also notified (about 5 feet away or a hall away) it is to give catchers a chance to find you since distance and intricacies can make it difficult. once you are found you must switch your role on watch and help find runners. catchers win if all runners are found before time runs out.
mc and bst f used to run together and stay by each others side until the last moments and split up only when they were the last two and see who could survive.
this night. no gf, just friends and mc bst f wants to confront her. the game starts with mutual being it and everyone else needs to run.
forgot to add, there is a secret ping players can send to give off hints of location. intended for betrayals trapping other runners.
mc and bf set off together and its tense. shes trying not to be super close and intimate with him anymore and hes noticed. as they run and hide he confronts her
"did i do something? why are you acting so cold towards me?"
"wdym? ive been busy lately with work and can't just hang out whenever you call"
"that's not what i meant. you never talk to me anymore or log on to play. you hardly every joke around or even- look at me! gosh even now you can't even look me in the eyes. what's wrong with you?"
she stops walking and stares at him. "fine. im looking at you. is that what you want? can we play now"
"see, you're acting like i did something to you. what happened? tell me and ill fix it. i miss my best friend"
she chokes back pain "nothings happened that you can fix. im just going through things in life and i can't always be the same person with everyone. it happens"
"then tall me about it -. we're best freinds and we used to share everything with each other. im here for you and you know that."
"yeah, we used to. but things can't always be the same. and i dont feel like talking to anyone about it."
she secretly pings for mutual. and he eventually gets close enough for alert to be coming
"pls youre my bf let me be there for you. you were always there for me. i care about you - i love you and want you to be okay"
" i love you too, but-" alert goes off. friend looks up at her and realizes she set off ping.
"i thought we had each other's backs?" he starts to walk off.
mutual comes up and sees her upset. he hugs her and tells her shell be okay. they haven't reset their alarms and don't notice friend is still nearby watching.
he gets mad seeing that she confides in mutual and they seem to be very intimate with each other. he has a tinge of jealousy and doesn't know it
mutual helps soothe her as she tries not to breakdown. he kisses her head and tells her they can leave the game. she declines and says they have to win it now.
teamed up they manage to get the others and it gets down to friend that she remembers his hiding spot and runs in the last few minutes to find him. she gets in front of his path as the others chase him. "got ya" and he loses the game without saying much else to her.
her and others rejoice and she feels okay for a second but remembers all the times he and her would win together and she quiets down. she looks at him and recognizes that he is remembering too.
there are other outings after this and she tries her best to be calm around friend and not seem like she is being cold around him. they don't have another moment alone since the game and she is grateful for it. though it hurts seeing him with gf and being loving and playful the way he had been with her a lot of times.
twins sort of realize as well and deaf one (makkari) tries to console her. says they should hang out.
she begins to cheer up with her friends and mutual being by her side and helping her with projects and games. she begins to improve in a lot of her games.
gf birthday party. mc walks in and friend notices. he begins to stand up to welcome her in but mutual gets there way faster and they kiss/hug. he is again hit by his anger/jealousy and decideds to pretend he doesn't notice them most of the night.
gf and party are lovely. mc goes up to her and they have a good time together she gives her a gift.
"i had special ordered something for you but it got delayed in transit so i decided to gift you one of my own in the meantime"
she gives her a uniform for another game they play together that she has yet to join in on. its something they all cherish and its an open invitation to be a part of their family. they hug its sweet. "welcome to our lovely family -, we're lucky to have you join us."
later on in the party mc steps out and takes a breath of air. friend walks out and joins her.
"you outdid yourself with this one"
"yeah, I really wanted her to have a great night. you were really sweet to give her your uniform and welcome her to the group. that really means a lot to us." he walks over and stands next to her. he playfully nudges her, "you feeling alright?"
"yeah, life is just very loud sometimes and i like to walk away sometimes to silence it all."
"i've noticed. you like to walk away a lot these days"
"it's nothing personal i swear. I just have a lot of things going on thats all"
"oh i'm sure it's not personal. you just seem to trust everyone else but me. especially mutual."
"what are you trying to get at?"
"nothing. you just keep needing to walk away or be somewhere else when I'm around but you're all loving and cheerful with mutual and the others. I mean c'mon whats that all about. you expect me not to notice when my best friend doesn't want to be around me anymore"
"I'm here -, i showed up. I welcomed your gf, Im talking to you and im having fun. what do you want me to tell you?"
"anything! you don't tell me anything about your life, hell half of the time i don't even know if youre alive. and even when i talk to you or we play its like youre not even present."
"oh, im not present? half of the time you're not even here for us. you brought gf to mutuals (something emotional). shes great and shes welcome now but she wasn't then -. you didn't give a warning or anything. you just suddenly had a better half and that better half is always with you. you wanna talk about me not being present? did you notice makkari started wearing an ear piece again. did you notice couple improved their playing level by four this past month? you want to point a finger at me and say I'm not here for my best friend but you haven't been here for all of since you started dating gf."
"are you kidding me?! you're mad that im happy with someone. yes she takes up some time but she's been super supportive with everything she joins us and she isn't judgmental. hell she doesn't mind our friendship."
"good for you -, we're not upset with you for being happy. we love you gf and you're right i don't know how you manage to find someone so perfect. you've just stopped showing up for some of us like you used to."
"is that what this is about? you think i don't want to be there for. you guys? you think I don't care? i still love you- i still want to be there for you and joke around and play like we used to. ever since the end of summer you've been avoiding me. you don't talk to me or play with me and you can't even give me a damn hug hello. so you think thats something i want to be around? i love you so much and you don't want to even say hi to me. do you want me to leave gf? ill do it if you would stop avoiding me."
"stop, you don't even know what you're saying anymore. go inside and be with your gf. she's perfect and you better not do anything to mess that up." she turns away and waits for him to leave. on his way out he bumps into mutual and gets fueled up a lil more.
mutual goes out there and they sit till she gets up and they go back in.
"what did he say to you"
"oh we just talked about the weather"
party ends and life goes on. later on they have a game night/dinner. girls are getting dressed and mc helps gf into uniform/ explaining how to play.
"how are you feeling?" gf looks up as she puts on shoes. "friend told me you'd been acting distant and didn't want to talk about what's been bugging you."
"haha of course he did. he's not very happy that i don't feel like sharing. its just, i don't feel like myself lately. life's been altered so much and i've been feeling myself change."
"I'm sure being constantly reminded that you used to be different isn't very helpful either."
"it's not and I don't know how to tell him that."
"leave that to me -. Im proud of you though. these changes, this internal turmoil, it can't be easy and you've sure been playing it off well. I'll be here if you ever need an unbiased ear."
they play ninja wrestle: wearing special suits that link up the the floor. its a mix of ninja and wrestling. you an move one limb at a time, one strike. its almost dance like. you and your opponent wear special suits that light up and don't allow you to move out of turn. green and purple lights appear on suit when its your turn. you turn red when you strike out - step out of rink or make an illegal move. anyone can challenge anyone. guy vs girl. etc. suits help provide needed force to knock over opponent. in game players move calculated and quickly to try and overpower each other. they become intertwined and use skill agility and brains to win.
circled by all their friends the group begins to spar one another in the main playing field.
everyone competes. couple go first, makkari vs gf, mutual with twin, and finally the champions. mc vs bst f
everyone does well and they have fun and then it gets to the final game. they used to go on for a while and try to outwit each other. they would have fun wrestling and would prolong the game just to have more time to try and smack each other and goof off.
the game starts out fun. they seem in good spirits mc taunts friend and vice versa. its like old times and they begin the mind games of messing with one another and making them believe they'll be moving another way then attacking another. it starts to get good and they get back into their usual rhythm.
something in mc clicks and she gets sad knowing its not like old times. she low key lets him win very soon after realizing. he notices she gives up and tries to get her into it again but ends up just knocking her down a little hard.
everyone flinches as she hits the floor. she lays there a second but gets up and laughs it off. friend feels bad and tries to offer her a hand. she feigns anger and walks off to stand by mutual. he puts an arm around her "you did good, almost had him im sure"
friend sees this and returns to floor. "Alright lets keep going, i wanna see how much better mutual has gotten. I hear you and mc have been spending time here practicing. lets see what you've gained"
mutual, feeling the passive aggression in his voice hesitantly goes up. he knows its going to be a hard play. they begin and its a lot more fierce and less friendly than the previous games. mc tries to joke and give support to her friends. they all know its low key a power play.
mutual almost beats him but friend ends up winning with a final very rough blow to the chest.
mc helps up mutual and they talk in the corner as she offers to help him put on ice as a joke.
they all continue to play in a much lighter note. mc and gf play. mc very easily winning. she wins all her games that day except the first one. its clear she has gotten a lot better.
"jeez, you're fierce out there. i can't believe you lost to friend." said the gf jokingly.
they laugh it off but mc tenses up and makes eye contact with friend. he knows.
later on they have dinner and mc surprises mutual with emily. they instantly hit it off and she's happy seeing them together.
friend is a bit thrown off by the realization of their being a girl in between mc and mutual. he gets in a better mood and isn't as jealous anymore. maybe there wasn't something between them at all.
at dinner they go through the usual talk and jokes. they mention the upcoming competitions and future plans. mc is happy and enjoys going around the table with love. they had all helped dinner but she had made the main course and it came out perfect. almost too perfect. worry starts to become her, she begins to see this being her future. pining for a friend thats not available while he sits there holding hands with someone else. she then begins to spiral and remembers her final conversation with her parents.
suddenly mutual looks up "shit." he gets up immediately ignoring emily and runs over to mc side. she is starting to have a panic/anxiety attack. he tries to get her up and to her room.
everyone stops talking and they watch in horror as mc hyperventilates and tears stream down her face. friend gets up to help. he desperately tries to help. "what happened"
"get some ice water, and bring it to her room" says mutual as he leads her away. the others are left in shock. makkari is saddened and signs that she should be given space. everyone agrees and let mutual handle it. couple mention how he's helped her before.
friend is thrown back. he's worried and angry that he didn't know this was something that happened often. he sets off for the room with some ice water.
mc is being comforted and calmed by mutual. he holds her and tells her its going to be okay. he is very gentle and reassuring. friend walks in very quietly and calmly. he hands over the ice water and sits beside mc.
mutual gives him a warning look but takes the water and puts an ice cube in mc's hand. "here take three sips"
shes still shaken up but does it as she continues to cry. friend offers to switch with mutual who is hesitant to let him hug her. friend insists and gets up on bed and wraps himself around mc.
she cries a little bit harder but leans in and lets him soothe her. mutual goes out of room to grab mc's soothing kit. he reassures everyone and lets them know they should keep eating and that they'll be out soon. gf notices his look and tries to help out by grabbing the rooms attention and gets them to eat.
mc is calmed and friend stays by her side. he tells mutual to go back and be with emily who is probably waiting for him. he looks at mc and she agrees. says emily was very excited to be his date that night. she even urges friend to go back to his gf but he refuses.
"i'm sure she'd prefer to have me here beside you right now. Plus I wouldn't leave if the world were ending."
she holds back a sob and lets herself relax. she never would've dreamt this to happen. especially at a dinner in front of all her family. poor emily was probably spooked. she laughs. "emily is probably so scared rn. poor thing never knew what to expect."
"she'll be fine. plus im sure the others cared for her and helped her feel comfortable. but if im being honest we were all very worried. everyone was ready to do anything thay could to help. you have a house full of people who would do anything for you."
"i'm sorry if i've been really distant with you these past few months. you've always been nice to me and you didn't deserve any of that."
"it's okay, sometimes the world is screaming so loudly in our face that we need a moment to step back and let ourselves think. just promise me next time you feel like you need to catch your breath, you'll give me a heads up. I was worried for you. gf had to help me out a lot bc all i could think or talk about sometimes was you."
"i never intended that for you friend. You can stop worrying for me. you can stop losing sleep over me."
"--i can't. idk what it is but even now i can't let you go. i don't want to leave this moment here. we haven't had a good moment like this in very long and i don't want it to end. i don't think i realized how much your friendship meant to me all these years until these past few months. I know i have gf and we've been doing well in the games but i feel like i've been through hell without you."
mc doesnt know what to say. her heart is caught in her throat and she can't say anything because she's afraid she'll give herself away.
"i know you have been dealing with a lot lately that you don't want to talk about. tell me this, was it not hard for you to step back? am I wrong for feeling like having you far from me is like losing part of myself."
"its probably one of the hardest things I've ever done. but i think it must have been for the better. we've probably attached ourselves in an unhealthy way"
"don't say that, please. look at me" he moves so that she can't not face him. he stops saying what he was going to. his eyes are locked onto hers and something changes inside him. he hadn't been this close to her in so long. he hadn't his body wrapped around her like such and his face so close to hers in so long. he can't break this trance he's been put in. he doesn't want to let her slip part him again.
mc realizes whats about to happen before friend does and despite the singing in her heart and the very atoms in her body telling her to stay and let things happen, she looks away and tries to get out of his hold.
"we should really get back out there. I'm sure they'll be happy to know im much better and its cruel to keep them out of the know."
she gets up and walks over to her mirror to clean the dried up tears from her face. she turns and friend is still on the bed too stunned to move or speak. his face is crestfallen and there is a glossy look to his eyes. his life has changed before him and he's just found it out for himself.
"i-- mc." he looks up at her expectantly. "i'm so sorry. I don't know how i've been so stupid. even when i was filled with jealousy at seeing you and mutual together I never pieced things together. I can't imagine what you've been feeling these past few months. I wish i could take them back, i'd do everything all over again. I-I love you mc and not just in the way we've always said, but more. I don't think I'll be able to let that go." he ran his hands over his face and hair desperately.
mc is frozen in place. this is all she'd wanted these past months but hearing it and being in the moment, she didn't want to live it. she didn't feel so much in love with him as she thought she was. something had changed.
"i don't know how to go back out there and pretend like everything is fine. I don't think i can do it especially knowing you-"
"yes you can. its easy. you have a gf and she's perfect. go out there look her in the eyes, smile and tell her everything is okay now. You'll laugh at her jokes, youll hold her hand under the table and you'll leave together after saying goodbye to everyone. you keep it down. make jokes, laugh at everything and no matter what you do dont look across the table at me. talk around me, move around me, but don't be direct. soon enough you'll forget. soon enough you'll forget what its like to hold me down while .... (tangent of sweet but heartbreaking things she has let go of. like soon enough you'll beat a record and you won't turn to look for my approval but you'll find yourself looking for her. you'll eventually be able to look forward to dinners and games. you'll be able to enter the room and not fear that one glance at me will break you down.) you'll be fine friend. you have someone you can turn to. pull yourself together and make yourself move on."
friend wipes away his tears. his love his best friend has suffered these past few months and had forced herself to move on for his sake and now he was to weak to do the same. he forces a smile and gets up, "you'll always be my best friend, please say that won't change"
"never," she says but she knows its probably a lie.
they leave the room and join the group. they all welcome her back with smiles and try to make her feel as normal as possible. mc steals a few glances at her friend to see how he's holding up. he did as she said, he smiled a gf and reassured her everything was okay. he now help her hand under the table and made jokes all night. he talked with everyone and mentions their future games and training. he never once faltered and mc tried not to let it hurt her. she knew he was in pain and he was only feigning control for her sake. at the end of the night mutual promised to come back after dropping off emily.
"it's okay, take your time. she seems eager to have you to herself" she jokes. they hug and he leaves.
gf gives her a hug and says she's glad to see her better. friend hugs her as well, maybe for a second too long but he nods and walks away. everyone else gives thanks and leaves for the night.
mc is putting away the dishes and is getting ready to head back to her room when the door sets off. she opens it up expecting to see mutual but its friend.
"I couldn't do it. sitting there across from you knowing you'd gone through all this and more. feeling this suffocating pain and knowing that despite how close you are i can't look over or hold your hand. i can't live like that. I talked to gf. she was very understanding. she said she wasn't surprised and that she knew the moment I looked her in the eyes that I had realized how much I love you."
mc stared in shock and took a step back. friend stepped inside and got closer.
"I love you mc. i always have and after tonight I know i always will. please forgive me for being the worlds biggest idiot these past years. please tell me that these past few months haven't forced me out of your heart already."
"I dont think a few years could even do that"
he took her up in his arms in that moment. after so long apart from each other holding onto one another made him never want to let go. After so much pain and heartbreak he finally held her face in both his hands and with tears starting to appear in his eyes he took her in. she held her breath waiting for these unbearable seconds to pass as he touched his forehead to hers and brought his lips to hers.
she could live in this moment of happiness. his lips gentle at first had parted hers and held her there in pure light. after a moment the light and pleasing light had turned into a blistering heat and soon enough there wasn't enough of him touching her and she couldn't be close enough to him. he picked her up and led her into the house never once breaking their long awaited first kiss. they took a second to gasp for air and before mc could push his head to hers again he leaned over and whispered heavily in her ear.
"something sexy and sweet-- I'm yours.. don't you ever forget what its like to kiss me."
and he kissed her with more vigor and let his arms trace their way down her body. mc did the same and let her arms reach for her favorite spot right below his head. she pushed him closer and felt her body fuel with fire as he grunted and gasped her name.
she was finally his and he finally hers. she didn't realize it but their tears had finally stopped falling for all they felt was incandescent bliss.