Notes

https://youtu.be/xD4OxBE6vIA
https://youtu.be/w72kSL9ZdYw
https://youtu.be/dQw4w9WgXcQ

Dear Claudette Uriko 😉😁,

Although, i give myself the stamp of approval of a significantly wiser and ready-to-be in a relationship individual, i don't have to justify myself to seek an ounce of recognition from you, which ... i might have subsconciously been doing hehe. It might be hard to notice it when i've been a bit too much on text. My bad, once i started, i missed you even more, and god knows it's not my forte to get the hint from text or voice to stop..woupsie. Oh i'm not denying i still need a bit of time for myself 🤗. I apologize for being selfish.

I wanted to let out something, which in my heart feels right to pour out.
No matter how much you take weeks, months even a year,  and i come back all jacked up on my emotional security and you're still stuck in your situation that will predispose you to spark those trauma, i will still want you.
Now you may be wondering, why is he so desperate to want me, isn't there some other chick better on this island..
well no duh😅
From the very first day up until the very last day of the apocalypse, i've never lost interest one bit or daydream of a better deserving relationship. Your silence, emotional tides, temper tantrum, multiple break-ups wasn't enough to push me away. Now listen, i'm not discrediting the origins of the evil 👉moi👈. All i'm saying is, i saw a girl who was scared of not being good enough. My dumbass too thought i wasn't good enough and projected all my insecurities on your already fragile outlook of yourself 🤦🏻🤦🏻aie aie aie. So you accomodated me and tried to tweak yourself to the image i desired. Except the only thing i only ever wanted with you was deep conversation, which for me was better communication irreapective of time spent. haha but i'd go on elaborating and twisting my words to draw a wicked picture in your mind.
Truth is you were ALWAYS not even good enough, but better than any living being i've encountered. but wait diren, how can you say this when you haven't even met other girls.
Well to answer your question Claudette, fact number 1,
i didn't have to delete my search history every week out of guiltiness,
2. you could do a boner test with 10 of the Bachelor sexiest finalist stacked together, and on one side there's you🤤, my dick will always go to the moon when i know you are around without even looking,
3. last but not least, when Covid(i still blame you China), dragged down your mental fortitute to the point you ask yourself how the hell you are gonna maintain a relationship when you can barely take care of yourself, i started my self-care productive get-my-ass-out-of-my-room journey; and there in my semi emotionally detached state, to find myself, i realized i never actually loved you to fill a gap(which i did with every girls), but i actually did, bc i love the person you are, even though at this point you were more distant than ever, and i was on trial which i forked up 🙂 big time..
4. If you ever need a kidney, i'll ship mine by fedex without ever thinking twice

All of this to say, no i would have never leave you even at your worse possible state, i would have never suddenly got my blonde type preference back, i would have never slowly lost feelings because i was suddenly interested to talk to a 'girl' friend. You were and still are the one in my 🤍. Nothing can everd change that. You have always been what i truly want and desire in a woman, even at your lowest point, when you couldn't possibly contribute much. I have always accepted you. I've always seen the good in you. Yes you are a good person 😢, you really are after everything you've been through your entire life. You might give this badass impression, but i see right through you, and that makes you stronger in my eyes.

🙄🙄 ya ik at this point you must be thinking ''well i was at this point bc of you asshole'' 😐 umm yea, i just couldn't shut my mouth about what can be 'improved' 😭 oml i was like one of those whitening cream ads that convince you that you are flawed and can be improved. sigh i talk too much in situation i should be quiet. You were and are perfect to me babygirl. I never wanted you to change at all, but sure i wanted us to grow together.

Now look, you may not change your mind and never come back and in a couple of years, i'll probably fall in love again with someone else and be happy ever after. But she won't be the one, it won't be like how it was with you or how it could have been 🤩 if circumstances were diff. I won't be having long night conversation of how we are a match made in heaven and suggest we are prolly soulmate..nuh..As dark as it looks, it's the truth, i'm never gonna find someone better than you, and it is life i guess.

This whole tl;dr wasn't one bit of a persuasive note nor a self-pity manifesto of a what-if prediction. It's an inside look of how i thought and felt throughout our whole relationship irrespective of how it came off to you that you were never actually good enough, it was actually the complete opposite. No one is to blame here, not me, not you, we tried our best. I could have done things differently, and recognize my mistakes now.

Just..uh..think about what i wrote okay.
It's not my intention to tilt your decision in my favour, i just feel lighter like last time when i wrote what my therapist said ( actually it was me, i put it as a third person, so it's more credible but i did inquire my actions and yours by asking so many questions and it all came together as making sense the more i wrote down)

also i took 2 spoon of Ashwagandha which is the above the recommended dosage and now i feel like india's  famous guru doing breathing exercise in front of a crowd. I'm too chill ..ouuff

oh and also, if you decide to come back
umm take all the time you need if you come back, bc my mindset is super rooted in the future ..ahem...it goes like this
As long as i'm the one you want to marry, take all the time in the world you need out of this relationship, because you're still gonna be the  one to hold my hand when i'm saying your name with my last breath: claudette..

That's how i'm able to make sense of this concept of patience & love, so a loss now is a win-win in the future
so yea no pressure😋😋..
omg i'm high i think 😵 imagine i was like this everyday

LIKE this if you're gonna marry me lol...if not i'm taking the kids 😡 in the divorce.
if you can't 'like' follow me 👀, i'll get the hint
ily, drink water if you're gonna read again..
i'm proud of the effort you are making and the fact you are trying to out of your bed everyday from your 10 alarms.
It's okay to fail, it's okay to be weak. You can't be strong and independent all the time. Asking for help makes you stronger.
Don't force yourself to do anything, even eating, but the moment you feel slightly hungry, eat to your heart desire whatever you want.