Notes

This letter is to say hello and goodbye.

Hello to my parents, and Mikayla, Nicole, my lovely friends, and family. This may or may not be shown to you but I just thought that I may write this to you because I wouldn't want you to feel left out.

And goodbye to my parents, and my dear sisters Mikayla and Nicole, to my lovely friends, and family. I say goodbye, because you will not be seeing me for a very long time. If this is ever read it must mean that I am dead. And you know, death is not a bad thing, and it is not a scary thing. I have found that it is more than comforting. I have been so close to death so many times, and even from the first time it has not been scary. We face death everyday, every time you close your eyes, or go for a walk, or get in a car. It's funny you know because I read once that "living is for Christ and dying is even better", so technically I'm not dying for Him, but I'm dying. And I have been dying, for a very long time now. I say it started at the end of my 6th grade year. It's so strange how a couple of kids can turn your whole life completely around. I never knew how much hurt and pain you can have in your hands, it's crazy. Now trust me, I am not blaming anyone, for every decision I have made has been mine, yes there are influences, but every choice has always been mine. I know that, so I pray that whoever reads this will know that too, nothing you have ever done has made me choose this decision. Mom, Dad, that is especially written to you, yes we have fought, yes we have had some difficulties, but our relationships how us together, our love is strong, I hope it stays that way.

I feel like I have let all of you down, like I am a disappointment. I am sorry. If that makes anything better.. I have always felt worthless and now I am, because you can put no price on what is dead and what is not here. I guess you would like an explanation to why I feel this way, so you don't think that this is for attention, or for all of you to feel bad. I'm not even sure who I'm writing this too, just to everyone I suppose. So, that means you'll have to know a little of my story. Which even those of you who know the whole story have not heard the whole story.

To begin, this starts in third grade. And note that I have always gone to a small school, very small, everyone knew each other and I guess you could say we were like family. But then new kids came and they had learned differently. It started with a girl, I won't say any names, but she had began to force me as a friend and if i disagreed with anything, she'd hit me. She left the following year, fourth grade. In fourth grade I suppose you could say I was a "popular" kid, where I could easily be friends with anyone. But then a new girl came, I learned a lot from her, like what really bad alcoholic parents were like, how it was when they became abusive and I learned about drugs and other things. And another girl, she was an only child, spoiled. She invited me over and again if I did not do what she told me to do she'd hit me, this happened several times, though I thought it was normal from third grade. Fifth grade came and things really got bad.. Another new girl came as the girls mentioned above left. She was strange, now that I think of it, she seemed do sweet so nice. (Um, yeah, I've become A LOT less favored..) We were friends, I was her first friend actually. And I had made the mistake of telling her all these things about another girl in our class.