Notes

I swear to godforsaken god that I'm about to cry. This thing won't leave me alone he's driving me insane and literally the bane of my existence. I'd do anything for him to be gone, be dead, even if it means sacrificing my own life. The pain, frustration, and annoyance this one single being has caused me can exceed anyone’s expectations and cannot even be put into words. He just godforsaken doesn’t shut up and the only reason I’ve sworn and will ever swear is because of him or I’m godforsaken depressed and suicidal, which also happens to be because of him. I have to deal with his stupidity and pestering and I’m tired of it, I’m tired of having to deal with his fake, arrogant, egotistical, narcissistic attitude. He treats my suicidal intentions and self-harm like I’m trying to play tic-tac-toe with myself. If I were to be anything near vulnerable around him, he takes this chance to hurt me and laugh at me. Sure I’m being dramatic and all that and I shouldn’t be depressed and he’s only trying to support me and whatnot and how he has pressure on himself for all the past mistakes that he has made, but that’s just because you don't know him. It is not my fault, and not my job, to deal with his other family just because he decided to not move on, continue paying “child support” past eighteen, complain about not being able to afford anything for his current family, drop me in this hellhole of a place and say it wasn’t his choice to come here and it was completely for me yadda whatever. But you know me, I’m only being dramatic and there’s nothing I should be depressed about. If I’m going to make a big deal out of this I might as well kill myself. Well, guess godforsaken what? That’s exactly what I plan on doing and I don’t need someone to tell me something that I know I need to do. I will never be good enough for this family, for this society, for this world. I will just never be good enough for anything, to satisfy even the merest of beings. I will never get good grades, there will always be someone better than me, and I can always somehow manifest a couple more hours into my day. I absolutely despise humans, name one issue that cannot be solved with money and one issue that isn’t caused by humans. Go on, I’m waiting. And I know that you can’t so don’t even bother. They say I should go to them for help but if I were to ever to, they would mock and judge me like I’m some sort of monster (in which I am but like). There's no point for me to stay alive, they say "oH SoMeOne CaReS", first off, no one does, and hypothetically speaking someone does, this person can be counteracted with a great cause. I don't like anything, I don't hate anything (except for this one being), and I'm just completely numb and neutral, there's no reason for me to stay alive.
He treats my depression like a god forsaken joke, literally asking me one moment ago if there's something that I cant open and he's going to put the painkillers in it. He's mocking me and I know it. He said the teacher was making a big fuss, and how the painkillers couldn't possibly be that dangerous, and then I told him what would happen if I overdosed on it, he then proceeded to laugh and skip the conversation. I don't know what I was expecting out of him, I don't know why I was expecting anyone to care, nevertheless him. I could barely open my eyes this morning due to how swollen they were, but he completely just didn't notice, didn't care. I don't know why this hurts, and I don't know why I was expecting something out of him when I know that this should be normal. My depression is just a whole entire load of jokes, if only I weren't so weak, if only I was good enough to be perfect for this world, then maybe I wouldn't have to be so in pain. I would love to kill myself with a bang, but I'm not here to die to put a show in front of everyone, and on top of that the April Fools plan is the perfect way to go out with some impact. I sometimes just sit there and cry, and I can stop crying, but I can't and I don't, I don't have a reason to cry either I just sit there, or I'm doing work, and I find myself crying. They ask me why I'm depressed and I can't give them a reason. It's pain that I cannot put into words, it's suffering that I can't describe and they won't understand. They say fake it till you make it, I've been pretending to be ok for so long now but why am I just not ok? If I were to ever rant to someone, they would probably ask me questions along the lines of "why didn't you...", and I have strong reasons, that I cannot tell unless you have been through the same suffering that I have, there are reasons that I cannot put into words. You won't believe how badly I want this man dead, I want him dead in the most painful way possible, and it still won't be enough to atone for the sins that he has committed, and what he has done to me and the people I care about and love the most. I only bring down the people I care about and be a burden. They say that I have friends, but friends are something mutual, just because I consider them acquainted does not mean that they think the same was as for me. No one will miss me when I'm dead and we all know that that's a fact. They say that it's ok as long as I've tried my best, but that's the thing. I've tried my best and I can only get to where I am now, whats going to be of me in the future when I stop trying? I don't know why I'm still alive, holding onto the last hope that maybe I have a chance, maybe things will turn out for the better, but on the inside I know that there's nothing I can do to fix myself, be ok, and have a good life. It's hard living under domestic violence, harassment, and rape.