Notes

This will probably piss off and confuse a lot of people. I can imagine the general response will be along the lines of 'Why the fuck did he do that?'

And that's completely fair. I've had that thought too, when people I know did something like this. But I've come to realise over the last few years that some people like some things, and some people don't. Personal preference, right?

And this decision was made solely because of my personal preference. Nothing else.

Take peanut butter for example. Most people in this world love it, it brings joy to them so they eat it. They don't eat it every day, so they don't ruin the feeling that they get from it, but they love peanut butter. Others are indifferent to it, they can take it or leave it, they think that peanut butter is okay, it's not the best spread in the world, but from time to time it's not a bad option. Then there's the people out there like me, who hate peanut butter, who get no enjoyment out of it whatsoever, the smell, the taste, the look, it's all very uninspiring. I think that's the crux of the idea that I'm getting at right now. Just a general lack of enjoyment.

And what does any sane person do when they don't like something? They remove it from their life. I don't eat peanut butter because it does absolutely nothing for me. I try to avoid it at all costs, even though it is not a completely avoidable thing. My friends get a lot of enjoyment out of peanut butter, but all I feel is emptiness when it is presented to me. Even when the peanut butter is at it's best, and every component of it is a positive thing, I still don't respond to it like other people do.

That's where people are going to be angry at me. They're going to think 'How could you not like peanut butter? It's great! There's a lot of shit peanut butter out there, but there's also such amazing peanut butter that it's 100% worth eating. No questions.' But I simply cannot see any form of positivity that comes out of it. It has absolutely nothing to do with the ingredients in the peanut butter. It has absolutely nothing to do with the my upbringing. It has absolutely nothing to do with the influence of others around me. I'm not taking any other people's opinions or situations into account when I'm making this decision.

So, to reiterate, some people like things and others don't. That's a fact that has become abundantly clear to me in the last few years.

Which brings me to the relevance of this piece of writing.

I hate life. I hate it. I try so so hard to force enjoyment out of every day and I've had enough. It's tiring. It truly is. And I think that when people read this they'll think that I had a good life, a great life even, that millions of people all over the world would kill for. That's completely true. I know there are people that have less than I do, but in all honesty, I don't know what I want. I don't want money, I don't want a top level job, I don't want an exciting social life, I don't want to be someone else, but most importantly, I don't want to be me. I've tried for years to be me, and be happy at the same time but I only ever really get glimpses or snapshots of happiness. I put my heart and soul into a search for happiness but every single time I end up feeling shortchanged. So I've had it.

The hardest thing about this decision is the impact it will have on those who are closest to me. Dad. Alex. Liv. You three are my best friends and have always given me literally endless support in whatever I've done, even if you haven't entirely agreed with it, and this is no way to repay you for the help, advice, and kindness you've always shown me (even when I'm being a complete prick, too). But you have to believe me when I tell you this has nothing to do with you. This is to do with me and the enjoyment that I get out of life. I honestly believe that if you know for a fact that you don't enjoy life, then you shouldn't be obliged to continue to deal with it. I've tried for years to find a reason as to why I don't get any enjoyment out of life, I could probably rustle up a few shitty excuses but there is no point. I just do want to do this anymore. I just don't want to live in a situation where every day I feel endlessly empty. Like my life is a bottomless pit that will never ever be full. It's a reoccurring pattern that things will get to 50% quality before plummeting right down to zero again. 50% isn't enough for me.