Notes

It really was a pain to write all of this. Not a pain in my head, but a pain in my heart. I knew that this entire season that I had treated everyone like CPUs despite trying my hardest not to, but I treated you like so much worse and I'm truly ashamed of it. Let's go over it all from the beginning.

R03, F22: I'm not going to lie to you, I found it hard to connect to you unfortunately. We did miss each other by a bit (read Knife at a Gunfight for more info), and that made it a bit difficult for us to chat. I still held out hope, as I was trying to copy what happened in Ceiling Jars: that is, team unity over faction unity. There is no reason to put anyone's head on a stick until we absolutely need to.

R04, F21: I think you know how this round went. AP and Lee were blatantly lying to my face when I knew that they were going to vote me that night. I refused to act cocky and shit like that, because all it would take to send me home is 1 flipped vote. I also don't like to act cocky in ORGs, period. When I confronted you after the round was over, I may have come across as aggressive due to the quote, and for that I deeply apologize.

R05, F20: (*sigh*) This was a very disappointing moment for me. I knew that you were safe. I knew that #106-paynuses was going to vote off Lee tonight. I just came up with this on the fly and molded it off Michael Marks' tape from Saw II. I never actually had any intention to send it - once I wrote it, Mario did lambast me for it. I understand that through the game of telephone that was played with him, gamer girlies, and all his "allies", the words and intention got lost in transition. However, I can't sit here and say "you didn't understand my intentions", because that would make me look like a hypocrite. When I saw Aiti's vote for me at F07, I knew I had done a lot of crap wrong this game. Doing my rounds was only kind of a ruse, because the only one I truly wanted to make amends with was you (until Mario went atomic at FKC).

Anyway, the #106-paynuses group decided that we were sick of lying to you and Lee, and just upfront told you that we weren't going to flip anyone. You know what happened next.

R09, F12: At merge, I was actually kind of desperate to fix my bond with you. However, at that point, I was still wary of Aiti, so I told him some bullcrap about "blindsiding you if need be". To be fair, this was half-truth and half-lie, because I was talking about how I'd have to vote against you if you showed no signs of wanting to rebuild the bridge (you actually did show signs of wanting to). Unfortunately, he got close with the gamer girlies over on Pig Vat, and he cherry-picked my words to destroy any hope of you and I working together.

R11, F10: I'm gonna be blunt, I always throw touchy subjects. Or at least I try to. I knew that I was on the bottom of the game, and to be honest, I was surprised that my acting like a big shot who in reality wasn't jack shit was working on others. I didn't feel like I'd ran the game whatsoever. In reality, I was 50% certain I was going to be booted until Mario pushed for Toku. Oh well. As for me putting myself as funniest, that was part of selling my big shot persona that was a ruse.

R12, F09: Let me just preface this by saying I tried to throw this challenge. Players back in my vicinity of the ORG community actually attempted a challenge similar to this, and they got a whopping 1:42 as their max. Anyway, onto the vote. I wasn't lying whatsoever to you - I genuinely wanted Fisher out of the game. I knew he was against me, and that I had fed him too much information from my end. Unfortunately, I didn't know about the gamer girlies alliance, and the plan fell apart for obvious reasons. It's a shame, but it made sense.

R13, F08: I'm well aware of how pissed off you were at Mario after this round. I get it. He just told me Goober's name, and I rolled with it because he was my biggest competition threat (Asier was gone already). Obviously, I was expecting some push back, but I was kind of surprised that nobody told Goob he'd be going. I briefly considered it, but after he betrayed me last round, there was no reason to.

R14, F07: And finally, we come here. I'll be real with you, I still don't know if it was actually you or Mario that solidified all the votes on me. I do think it was Mario though, so I apologize for that. Anyway, this round I lost immunity and I knew there was no reason for me to expect survival. I knew that my demise was inevitable ever since R03. And there was no way to deny it. I will say, I'm kind of surprised here. From what I was told, Mario spoke to you for 3 hours straight, and then when he talked to me on that Saturday, he told me that you had called out my name. I wasn't 100% convinced, but I just agreed with it because I knew I was going and I wanted a lot of information to take to the juror's courtroom. It was Trophy Wife who told me I'd be eliminated, which is where the surprise comes in: nobody wanted to talk to me **because they thought I was close to Mario** - who was planning my demise already? I get that you didn't have any reason to trust me, I really do. However, had anyone, and I mean anyone came and talked to me about a plan to get rid of Mario (or an idol since we didn't know he had one), I would've been willing to give myself up as collateral damage in order to get him out. At that point, I had no power, and I knew that everyone had gaslit me. I was purely playing for position (to get a top 4 placement for the first time ever). Unfortunately, and I have no idea why, nobody decided to talk to me. I talked in my DMs with Trophy Wife about how this would potentially be a game-breaking mistake, because she then told me that there was a "truce" between you and Mario (I was right :wink:). I knew immediately that it wouldn't last, so I decided to warn him right away, knowing that you weren't online and probably wouldn't have talked to me. I wasn't going to get an idol played on me, and everyone had turned against me in the game. There was no reason to act like a big shot anymore. I wrote your name down on my final vote against, because I wanted Mario to think that I believed him. In reality, I wasn't as stupid as everyone thought I was.

Upon speaking with Goober, it was once again clear that I had made some of the stupidest non-game decisions in the entire cast. And this is my repercussion. If you still hate me, and I wouldn't blame you for it. But you know what, I don't hold grudges. I didn't act like a prick to anyone in my conf (sans Katy, but that's changed), because from the heart, I cannot bring myself to insult people over and over when I know that I'm not and will never be a winner in an ORG.

The final word I want to say is a word of congratulations. In my opinion, you definitely played the 2nd greatest game on the cast. You were definitely locked into a David vs Goliath situation, and unfortunately, since Mario had thorny leashes around Fisher and Aiti's throats, there wasn't anything you could do come F05 with just 1 person who wanted to vote with you. Despite this, you refused to back down. I knew that I was doomed because I was on bad terms with someone with a great social game and who had managed to avoid elimination several times. But I'm okay with that. I wasn't okay with how I treated you, and that's why we're here. I wasn't going to not vote you at FKC if you made it there - all you would've had to do is put in a stronger case than Mario, and you would've got my vote (assuming Mario didn't blow his game to shreds at the end there).

Once again, I'm sorry for all of my actions. I don't like to look like I'm boasting, but I did speak to the 3 finalists post-game to rebuild the bridges there, and all of them separately said that I did have a heart when it mattered most. I know that my heart looked like it was burnt black throughout the game, but as I learned from my stay in a mental hospital, you've got to recover, rebuild, and emerge stronger.

If you've read through all of this, it means a lot, and I sincerely thank you. Take care.

Signed,
Jøsh994