Notes

going to aquabasilea or gartenbad with him was so nice, back then he didnt know how sad i was yet so he probably didnt hang out with me just out of pity, that was so long ago but here i am still hopelessy in love

all that time we spent during lockdown, either jogging or doing tasks, was so nice
at the gymball so many girls were horny for him, but he didnt care, i already cared about him, im so hopeless, i think about him aaaaaall the time and he will undoubtably reject me cuz hes not gay, but theeeeeeeooooooretically there is a microscopic chance that hes also gay also kinda shy also not confident enough to make a move and also into me
ask him what happened with florine they went on dates and he put his arms around her randomly a couple of times, his feelings and desires for love and sex, does he have zero crushes or interest in anyone, not even after that survey where he saw everyone would kinda like to be with him
i have so many memories with him and all of them make me so happy and hopeful, but im honestly just in denial

compare the moments where i thought he really cared about me (new years, that one phone call, walking together)
with the moments where i thought he hates me (today when he left with pat and dan, yesterday when he stood away from me) and check what makes more sense and how the bad moments could be explained away and the result remains that he likes me a lot, at least as a friend, but i would be infinitely happy if he wanted me as his boyfriend, he will probably be very uncomfortable and weirded out if he learned about my feelings,

even if he was annoyed at me one time, IF he does love me NOW, all that doesnt matter, so i shouldnt get worked up about any time that he seemed annoyed at me, that was like a long time ago
i wanna be loved, i wanna see someone naked, i want someone to be horny for me, i wanna have sex

in the vacation: MA (a bit with him), french text, german creative product, daniele party, workout a lot (mayyybe with him, he wanted to work out too), meet up maybe in a restaurant and TALK to him about all my problems and feelings, finish tsushima, tell him to play danganronpa

kaguya is such a waifu
having someone admired me and loving me and finding hot must be so great (like niklas is)
i just wanna hear some compliments and hear that im valuable
knowing you will die or death in general is so scary for most people, but i cant wait
i love him so much, i want him to love me back, at least i wanna talk to him how he feels about stuff & what he wants

feeling boring and dull, why would anyone wanna spend time with me (like larry hemsworth from the good place)
i need to trust fate and think of all the moments we had, believe in love, be confident and have fun with him and talk to him about my feelings and then everything will probably be fine
hes rarely serious, always joking around, but the few times i kinda opened up to him, he did take it seriously and was very kind and caring, i hope he can still do that, but he probably likes me less now and has started to like daniele more since recently and thinks im weird cuz of my crush on him

he never tried to talk to me or spend any time with me yesterday, he must really not care about me, he never checked on me when i was gone for so long, im not important to him at all, vanessa is so super into him i bet theyll be a couple soon, i just wanna feel loved and attractive, i regret not killing myself a long time ago, if i was really important to him he wouldve talked to me even when it was super late, anja said he was apparently worried about me but that cant be true, it must be so nice to feel so wanted and valuable like him, i feel like were good friends but yesterday it didnt seem like that at all so i just cant judge how important i am to anyone, i wanna do stuff with him travel to japan with him go on dates with him hug him make out with him see him naked, does he know how hot he is, at the gymball he has so many friends and people who like him, i dont have that and i feel lonely and worthless, i wish i could be as confident as he is
during lockdown when we went jogging, i was still so full of hope and really felt like he liked me a lot, lockdown was a full year ago, back then i was still so happy in comparison, it just got worse and worse
daniele asked niggls if hell come to his party on his birthday, he didnt ask me, yet he states that were always a trio

well alicia said that she feels the chemistry between me and him which was a joke obviously but still, she also asked him if he likes to "suck" stuff which he denied and is also obviously a joke but a weird one to ask a straight guy, amanda looked at florine and niggls asking her kinda if something between them and then made a vomit gesture, florines way of encouraging me to just ask niggls to jogg again was very nice and i do wanna believe her when she says its ok for him

my life feels kinda empty and pointless and unfulfilling, but if i was in love with someone who loved me back im sure every second would feel so incredible, imagine being together with him and we could do so much stuff together
love is so important to make life feel complete
i hope i can talk to him after dans party, if i will even be there since im scared hes lying to me about it not happening
him and the others being outside blazing, they didnt care where i was at all, i thought niggls cared but apparently he doesnt, although our talk today was very nice, i really cant judge how important i am to him and how much he likes me

teen hormones, those super nice things janet and tahani said to each other, being sad and embarassed about an unrequited crush just like janet, kinda imagining what if he is into me a little bit, sex in the good place (realm) or in the beach (borderlands) must be so amazing to have, just meet someone and have sex must be so awesome, talking about it and telling others about it would feel so cool, tahani said telling someone how you feel is never a bad idea, tied up and scared of torture/pain and never being able to do/useOneOfYourLimbs ever again, wanna imagine him lying naked and tied up, him naked looking at me naked and being turned on would make me so happy, he experiences girls being horny for him all the time yet hes never been horny back thats weird i guess i gotta ask him how and why hes still a virgin

i am kinda hot sometimes i guess, wanna see him strip and take off his clothes, someone being into me, danganronpa nostalgia, thinking bout how in trial 2 theres always so many people and in trial 6 only so few, the others like petraLouis or amiAxel just casually leave and have sex i wish i could get to that point with him it'd be so amazing, him going streaking i would have loved to see him then, just being naked with someone else (retto and kirara), guys being really nice and stuff but actually really wanting sex and being so horny (wonder if niggls is like that), him talking bout sex and attraction and him seeming horny is so hot, does he also want to do lewd things, how many lewd thoughts does he have, that one face he makes which is half-braggy/purposefully high/horny is so hot, no wonder girls are into him, office nostalgia its now a year since ive watched it it was so amazing