Notes

hey, its me. youre awake and well i am asleep. i hope you take my word for it that i didnt want to break your heart making you watch me cry choking up words because i want to talk. Its about the issue last night. Me, my insecurities, my breakdown. It was weighing on me heavy and i didnt want to wake you up because well, you were drunk and i wanted you to sleep. I love you so much and let me just say that youve never done anything to break my trust or my heart and its all on me. I am so sorry that its been like this for almost a year but i need to speak to you about it and not hold it in anymore. It isnt healthy, it isnt okay, and it above all else isnt fair to you. So, lets dig in. Im so sorry i push away, ive never ran to someone for help for sixteen years. that is solely my fault and i promise you, starting now and after that conversation, im taking your help. im taking your love. i need it, i cant hold that off any longer. Im sorry ive been that way. Stubborn. Dumb. Hurtful. it is time to change. its time to be different. time to change, to be better. I know ill alwayss make my mistakes and while im not sorry for making mistakes as human nature, i am sorry for the mindlessness or the effect of the mistakes. Now, you read earlier that i said youve never broken my trust. I know you trusted me in every last piece you were scared to, and im so grateful for that. I, ah, you know the story with jasmine, and you can ask tyler about it all, how hurt, betrayed, screwed in my mind i was. I was sick after that. No trust in anyhting anymore. and i lived with that mindset for three years. It killed me, it destroyed me. But you, you little baby pheeb. youve never done that, never will and never have thought to. Its just been beyond me why i cant full proof myself in that, its unfair, rude, and spiteful. I know, i know it because it is hard to sleep at night because i always think about that. And i hate it ended like that toward you, ita disrepsectful even. but im putting my heart out. to you, with no strings to pull it back with. All my trust, all my belief, all my everything. if there are qestions or worries or you even just wish to talk to me vocally id love to. i just wanted to get this to you so i wouldnt hurt your heart crying and choking out words like i did to tyler. I will be honest, holding this for so long has made me want to kill myself because for years its felt like that was my best way out, howd id make it out alrigh to myself. But i never could, and it lessoned bit by bit. because of you. i could never leave you, hurt you, devastate you, i dont want to. wwhen it all comes down, you, you are all i have here phoebe. nobody is going to take care of me like you, make sure i wake up the next day, ask how work is, ask how i am. tell me im loved meaningly. i love you so much phoebe, and im glad i have you in my arms. goodnight/goodmorning baby pheeb. you are always teddys, from now, until the sweet or bitter end. ~ Teddy T<3