Notes

So, let me write what I wanted to write before I got a bit overwhelmed with the thought of you lol. Firstly, I hope you're doing beautiful, I wish I could talk about you some more, but I really don't have a clue about what you do, where you live or anything that you're up to, so forgive me if these texts often seem self-indulgent, because I don't really have anything else to go off.

When I told you the other day that I'd finally found what I was looking for, what I meant by that was emotional fulfilment. When you're raised by parents who are unable to fulfil the emotional needs of a child it basically leaves them feeling empty and unloved for their entire life, unless that person takes it upon themselves to do the inner work. I've had so many false-starts in this regard, where I feel like I've finally found my inner light again, but each time it seems to escape me. I've put in so much hard worth these past 2 and a half years, it feels like I have to fight tooth and nail to get through the darkness, so when I feel like I'm not making the progress that I should be it really fucking gets me down. To feel like you put so much effort, time and energy into something, for seemingly no return, it can be incredibly disheartening. To put it into context, every single day I do yoga twice, meditate twice, 1 hour of intense exercise, nothing but home-cooked vegan meals, no coffee, alcohol, anything like that, no wanking, no porn, no TV or movies (except 1 episode of anime at night), cold showers, Wim Hof breathing exercises, starting my own business from scratch, teaching myself to play the piano, constantly absorbing esoteric and occult teachings; like, I've been living like a fucking monk basically. I've sacrificed so much, and sometimes it just feel like, for what, ya know? But I keep trudging on, because I know eventually it will pay off.

And this is why at times I've felt utterly dependant on you, because just the thought of you gave me that emotional fulfilment, and it still does, but I need to be able to experience that emotional fulfilment from myself, because it's not healthy to only seek it from an external source. The trouble is, I don't know what exactly that feels like. I donno, perhaps I'm just being too hard on myself and I've already achieved it to some extent. It certainly feels like I have a lot of the time, but then there's others where I just feel like I should be doing so much better. Particularly whilst being ignored by the person who you gave your heart to, the person who you bared your soul to, only to be totally ignored and rejected. I'm not gonna lie, it's made me feel utterly worthless at times, and it's not cool how this played out, but I know deep down that it isn't because of my lack of worth, but simply because you are afraid to get hurt, and that's just your way of dealing with it. I have sobbed for untold hours over this connection, but it's also been the thing that has helped elevated me to be the best that I can be, so I can't grumble, nor do I hold anything against you. I know full well that will have been extremely difficult for you too.

in terms of my business - you're gonna love this - I'm a fackin' mushroom farmer haha! I grow and sell magic mushrooms on the darknet (as well as DMT and San Pedro cactus). If you need any hit me up on Versus/The Verus Project - MashedStargazer. At the moment I'm earning about £3000 a month, and that's all whilst living at home, so I have a very minute amount of space that I can use. Because of this, I'm going to be moving out in the next month or two, that way I can start growing some serious bulk and potentially make double what I already am. I've got my eyes on Bournemouth at the moment. I mention this because it would mean absolutely everything to me for you to be a part of this next chapter of my life. I want to create a story together, with you, Alice, you are my true divine counterpart. Our souls have been through countless journeys together, and this is just but one. At this point I haven't even been able to truly express the depths of my feelings for you, and I hope that one day I will get the opportunity to do that. Literally just hearing/seeing your name is enough to make me tear up, it's actually ridiculous lol. Bournemouth for me isn't set in stone, if you have other obligations, I'm more than willing to change up my plans. I just wanted you to know that the opportunity is here for you, if you feel so inclined to take it. To put your faith in me, and to put your faith in love. I want us to show each other how beautiful life can truly be.

I love you with all of my heart, Alice 💖 - https://imgur.com/a/c1xgdKr


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yos4iNlTs4Y

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VgU83EUldE0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qLRpERLoC7Q

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ffT96-IfKb4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7oFCBre53X8