Notes

I think I have a lot fo deebly buried feelings about Louisa that I really need to let loose, no cencorship whatsoever.
i really don't like Louisa. Something about them deeply disturbs and frustrates me, about everysingle thing they do and how they carry themselves and how they talk and how they act and how they think. I don't like there work. I don't like them. I don't like that they are so beautiful, that they are so perfect, that they make pretty single lines and small cheap art and that they are able to look so cleanly at their process and know exactly what they are doing and not eve be confused about or by life, and to not every get messy and even when they do it's so pretty and perfect. They take a video of themselves dancinga dn it's perfect. It's clean. I don't like that they come from ballet. I don't like that they think we're on the same page about everything. i don't like their aesthetic, I don't like their self appraising delight I don't like that they seem just fine and comfortable ith everything and composed and ugh I just don't know, does it throw me off that they are actually really rich? That they too played piano since they were little? That they get to be seen as someone that I'm trying to be but failing? That they can make clean fresh lines, that they can impress Miguel, that they can tread lightly and preciously? Why do i revel in moments when I am chosen and they aren't when I am on to something and they feel lost? Why don't I actually want to support them? Or be supported by them? What, truly, frustrates the living shit out of me? That Bread and Puppet is about cheapness and they are rich? That they make costumes pristine and perfectionist and clean and slow and Bread. andPuppet is about the gritty radical protest of it? That It took be a whole summer of confusion and pain to make it anywhere with B and P and they jsut prance in and are on equal footing? Everythiing feels like me vs. them, like they got it and I didn't or let me keep it a secret and not tell them or anything... everything feels like such intense jeaoulsy, like such intense hatred, like such intense aversion... fear, maybe it's just simply put fear. Fear that I will fall and they will rise. I don't want to work with them. I want my queer path of radical joy and ssensuality, of multi-species collaboration, of contemporary dance theater performance. i come from theatre, I come from character, I come from so much more that hasn't gotten any chance to thrive on the stage. YET. And they had breakthroughs already... I am anxious about this, anxious about this next adventure because I don't know how I can keep my integrity, honestly express my desires and give room for them to take place, with them in the room. I want to take charge and fly fucking runs and yell and fly and transform and idk at the same tie of course of course of coure, I experienced the humble humility of being any part, even when silent and still... as just not if more essential than the clown embodying the text and carrying the audience's and our attention into the unknown. I rest there, in that humble humility, in that consistent presence and giving it my all and being radically true to myself, to my body and it's desires for pleasure and connection and touch while serving the story. All for the story.

So I rest here. I express to myself what I want, I recognize it, I see it, I ask how I can give room for it to grow and I pursue that. I let what clashes clash. I remember that there is abundance and that now I am an actual company member, be it with them. I remind myself that there is always more time. And, to give myself the same advice I gave Lousia: to chase that which you sense you want. To speak up at that feeling. Be it a risk, do it and ask for help to cultivate and nurture it. Louisa deserves to have it all, and so do you. You don't have to be in each other's way. We all arrive into the room together and we see who is there and we come at it all together. We sing, we play, we perform, we move, we dance, we act, we puppeteer. We commandeer, we listen, we jump and land and we lead. I'm super super excited to meet new people and do this again. Hold on to that excitement and let it grow let it expand and deepen as well. Don't let it succumb to disastrous anxiety that actually hinders your health and relationships, your own self. It is self-destructive, yes! So. Keep that excitement bubbling, and most importantly, continue to notice, notice with great patience, notice these feelings so that they can be dealt with, not buried deep where they only fester and boil over to toxicity and pain.

On a good generous wonderful note: Fabra! Leva! Taka! Manda! Waba! Zafa! Humanity! Oh, you glued to your eternal chair! Acquaint yourself with the large amounts of air, free and fresh all around you. Use large arm swings to feel it and acquaint yourself with it. Speak harsh words against the evil bureaucrats to agitate their stiff feet which have forgotten how to transmit energy from the earth into their blood bellies, into their lust brain, and heal those wounds their work has caused on to them. Scream a belly-rich song, sing heavenly praise... play Bach. Don't go down, only up, don't flirt, only arise okay stop writing now whatever you're thinking about piano-showing off and baby-chatter. You wnat to meet the pianist, don't you?