Notes

4/11/20
I am really tired of my life it sucks (af) nobody cares especially I don't.
I want to do something bad to hurt me enough to make everybody realize what I want i want peace and for me to be able to do anything I want.
I hurt everyone bad right after I got a bf I did so many things to hurt others and its all my fault I don't get what to do it's like being in a first-time relationship changed everything I stopped being normal with my friends I was too worried about having my crush be my bf and when we did when we were together it changed me a lot to hurt others starting with when I had a crush on him he started hanging out with me and my friend Daniella a lot and then I decided I could keep my attitude of cursing and that didn't hurt anyone but my family there trust and expectations me from being kind to cursing after that when me and him got together on march 9th lots of troubles came my way such as classmates always talking about us and our relationship asking further more how it happened they even said I stole him from my friend by the ways he was matt my bf right now my friend angelinas boy friend and I didnt steal him althoug hthast what people think he started hanging out with me and angelina just didnt lik ehim anymore and had feelings for a korean boy than I also got into puberty hating it I hat my period which suckedi hated it as fuck! soon my family hated me stopped talking to me always screaming at me where my family they didn't care about me, they hated when I argued and much more stopped talking to me for weeks so I decided to stay in my room and darken it up and work alone to make me feel dark like how you are in a gang soon we weren't allowed to go to school because of coronavirus it hurts because my boyfriends birthday is coming up I got him gifts and much more wanted to kiss him as a surprise but it won't work now too late cant do that I miss him and i realized i changed because I showed my weak side instead of my strength to everyone so today I said im sorry to all my friends and ofc matt saying that I really changed alot to hurt everyone leaving times and spending them with matt instead always talking abou thimhurting my friends that had a passion for boys but where single and never had a boy friend most importantly I left my religion to get matt in my religion were not allowed to date and its not wrong to have feelings for someone but the feelings for him led me to leave my religion and date him and now i know why matt was like ignoring me cause i changed and now hes happy im trying to be strong and change ofc hes been through problems like this with his 3 other gf's so wants me to change and stop being like his other gf's a few weeks before that i lost my friend mahek she was from my religion told me to date matt cause i liked him tried to bring us together and now that we were she told us to break up cause i brought it out of the limits for our religion just because i hugged him and i didnt break up with him becasue i didnt want to be like his other girl riends so i lied to her when she caught us together she said she didnt want ti be friends with me im stuck i want matt with me like he is be the perfect friend and girl friend to brighten up and wish for schools to open right now they are permanetley close or the school year of 2019-2020 sadly no birthday gift and kisses and hugges and cuddle and snuggles sadly and i want to run away from my family i want them to not care about me i want to live away from them spend my time alone dating and being with my friends hooking up with boy slike that but im eleven i guess it wont happen until i guess college which sucks probably matt wont be my boy friend at that time or ill inact not even have i boy friend we promised we would never cheat,dump or even leave eachother well be together forever and in order to do that i have to be a good girlfriend with a grreat balanced lie