Notes

Gen Z’s Best Friend

Depression has gone from
a mental illness
to a
manufacturers setting.

So when I say
“I’m depressed”
people just laugh and say
“mood”

It has become
embedded in out culture like
a piece of gravel
rolling around the inside
of your shoe.

When someone says
“I was so depressed last night
I only slept 5 hours”

someone else replies
“Oh yeah,
I only slept 4”

Like how bad your depression is,
is just another
social status

Teenagers,
crumbling to bits

Adults,
too busy complaining to notice

Saying that
“Those damn phones
are why they’re
killing themselves



Instead of thinking,
that those damn phones
are the only escape we have
from the overwhelming amount of stress pushed on us
by the generations before who
screwed the world over.

My parents were always the ones
who beat me down
and tore me apart.
But I was the only one left to
pick up the shattered pieces of myself.

Apparently, I wasn’t alone
because all of us
are just
Broken people leaning on
Broken people leaning on
Broken people.

As fragile as a porcelain doll,
When a piece of one of us
start to chip away,
none of us are strong enough
to fix the holes they have left.

Now, we just resemble
the full and complete humans
we used to be.

All of us,
only staying alive until
we can fix ourselves first
and help the others up,
or crashing before possible.








Whenever anyone even
just so slightly
raises their voice at me,
I get defensive
and panicky
and scared
that what comes next
is more than
words.

Apparently saying
“I love you”
to an 8 year old
is just more effort
than it's worth
Because in my family,
you had to deserve
your love

And I,
simply,
was never enough.

Conditioning me to believe
trying my hardest
was not good enough.
Molding me to believe
I was nothing more
than a stupid inconvenience.
Structuring me to believe
even when I would pour my everything into something,
it would be worth
nothing.

So when I finally caved,
they just called me names,
told me was lazy,
said I was disappointed.





They’d scream in my ears
“I have been such a good parent to you
and this is how you repay me?
This is why no one will
ever
love
you.”

With each word they spoke,
my room got messier.
“Why are you so disgusting”
While by brain began to rot,
my grades got lower.
“Can’t you not be stupid for once”
As more of me shriveled,
my will to live died.
“Your just useless, accept it”

But according to them,
It’s only an excuse
to not be
the perfect little asian daughter
they wanted me to become.

So whenever I got the chance to be away from them,
I took it
and ran
.
And when I’d come home,
they would have the
audacity
to ask me
why I didn’t ever want to be home.
why I never listen to what they say.
why I kept secrets from them.

“Why would I tell you anything
when everything I do say
is met with
ridicule”



The first moment:
I was watching Jurassic Park
as they were running for their lives
and my only thought was
why would anyone try that hard to stay alive
when it’s so much
easier to just
die.
-14

The second moment:
It was a saturday at 2 pm
and I hadn’t gotten out of bed
or drank water
or brushed my teeth
but I was going to fall back asleep anyways
when my head started to spin
then I realized I had stopped breathing for a second
and I figured I needed to take a breath again
but I didn’t want to.
-15

The third moment:
I was going to my favorite class
but I couldn’t focus at all
so I gave up
and soon I started giving up in all my classes
then my grades started to reflect that
and I went from straight A’s
to failing most of my classes
because I’d rather sleep 12 hours
than bother to do homework
-16

Watching my heart
collapse on itself,
from having any love sucked out of it
once so filled and caring
slowly transforming
into a parched wasteland.



Waking up
now being a task I deem as
difficult.

‘Cause why live a life
you have no interest in living.
Knowing in your head,
that there are things
you could enjoy
you should enjoy
you would enjoy
but not being able to feel
any of that joy doing them.
Or not being able to feel anything in general.

Resulting to a pencil sharpener
over your skin
watching it bead on you arm
just to be able
to feel.

Looking at random lines
and not only seeing lines.
Picking up a pair of scissors
like it's the heaviest object in the world.
Putting away knives from the dishwasher
with intense thought and control.
Wearing sleeves or a scrunchie
when it's hot or you can’t even tie your hair.

Your brain becoming a bully
torturing you into
hiding away
teasing images along your thoughts
that you did not want to see
your emotional state bouncing around
like it's pin-ball
making you as stable as a nuclear reactor.





When I was little,
I was bullied.
I was called names,
fat shamed,
made a fool of for
not understanding subtraction.
And when my parents said
“If you are being bullied,
you can always talk to us”
I stayed quiet.

It’s not smart to complain about your bullies
to your bullies.