Notes

Things are getting worse and worse. My mom warned me before to never go out even though the only time I go out is to take walks. and I’ve been literally staying inside 24/7 even before the pandemic, so I do need to go outside otherwise I will literally feel suffocated. What I’m doing isn’t hurting anyone, and me going out for a sense of peace and my only escape is 100% needed no matter what. Also for general health reasons. I know they’re not doing it because they’re worried about me, but more in the sense that they feel a sense of control.. because obviously pretty much everybody has shown that they don’t care about my wellbeing, and any nice action they try to do towards me is for their own ego.



Anyways, I take walks anyways and do my best to go around it all. Now today she hit me and kept talking about never going out.. she was talking to her brother just before, and Im pretty sure that he just aggrvated the situation making her randomly mad. While I do have hope for my mom, she’s the type of person who takes out her own hurt on others, and I’m taking none of that at all and won’t be tolerant towards her.. I have countless times before, and I’ve talked about many times before and nothing ever changes. So I mostly just ignore her and all.. sometimes I feel the urge to talk to her.. just about small things and all. But even that, I feel like I shouldn’t do at all. I need to basically treat her like she doesn’t exist and only pay her nay attention if she asks me to do something, or if it’s absolutely needed. I’ve been telling myself that I need to cut of any and ALL contact from her and other people too, yet I never do it, and I regret it every single time. Being ‘kind’ will kill me at this point.

The most ugly part is that, I have a fairly large family and they all like drama; especially my mom’s brother (I’ll call him ‘S’), 1 of 2 that live in my mom’s mother’s house, and my mom’s mother (I’ll call her E). I used to think that they were nice, although I already had multiple red flags from S. But for E, I was surprised. On multiple occasions a situation happened where I got screamed at and pushed by S. He keeps yelling that I have to “do whatever he says”, and tried to break open the door on 2 occasions. The door has a lock on it, because one of my younger brothers is autistic and wants to always leave outside and escape. He’s 11, and we’ve had a door lock since he was about 5-6. So since we’re all staying at E’s house, they need a lock on their doors too.

Anyways, I felt very unsafe so I sent her a long and detailed text message explaining that. I basically said that I would call the police on him if he tries anything, and that threatening someone is considered a crime. I also said that I’m not going to hide anything for him just because he’s considered ‘family’, and that I don’t know him or most of the family well at all, and I was never close with them. Even my parents don’t act that way with me. So it is very ugly for him to be yelling at someone over a door lock, most families wouldn’t dare allow other family members to be touching or screaming at their child. Especially the fact that he is a very large grown man screaming at a teenage girl, and I know for a fact he wouldn’t do anything like that to my older brother or to anyone else. He targets specifically me because he knows I’m more vulnerable. Basically that this behavior is disturbing and it makes me feel unsafe. My tone in the text message was direct and firm, because that’s the only way to get the message across, and I figured even if they disagreed, they would know that I don’t and won’t tolerate it.

So she basically said to me that S said that the first time he told me not to lock the door I locked it anyways to make him mad on purpose. And the second time, he said not to lock it and I locked it (although I had on earphones and wasn’t paying attention when he said it). She basically told me that there were multiple instances where I took long on purpose to open the door for E’s two sisters that come into the house everyday to do service work similar to maid work (E has heart issues and is considered disabled). That I looked through the window, and went back to sleep instead of opening for them. Even writing this is frustrating.. This I said wasn’t true at all and I don’t know where they got that from. Secondly, I said that you can’t read people’s minds like that.. I never take long on purpose to open for someone just to make them angry. I seriously don’t care about anyone like that. And then she just started yelling and saying that it’s true, and started that ugly thing that manipulators do when they ask you rhetorical questions like “So if he hit you, you would call the police??” as if I was crazy for suggesting that. Basically she didn’t give any kind or sort of consideration towards what I sent her. She just kept going on about how I apparently did these very specific things and how I’d be considered an enemy to everyone if I call the police. I thought she might’ve disagreed but at least acknowledged just a bit, but nope. She’s done in my eyes. And she had the audacity to say that she and S were close to me and that I grew up here.. even though I was born at her house I was definitely not raised there, and I hardly ever saw any of them until this whole situation. They basically didn’t care or listen to a word I said, and made a creepily specific assessment of who they think I am. And her sister’s who told these lies because apparently they’ve suffered after waiting a few minutes for the door to be opened to them.. they’re done too. I don’t care who said what, but the fact that people apparently have such a problem with me that they want to come up with lies.. much older people too. Just because I didn’t kiss their butt and I went along my day??

Like I usually do, I start getting an anxiety attack at conversations like this, and my voice starts shaking although I’m very confident in what I’m saying. I can’t control that my voice becomes shaky. She just puts everything on me like the classic narcissist does with “I guess you’re dealing with some problems and all” (referring to depression) as if I’m the unstable one because I “have depression”. I did not “develop” anything. Anyone being in the situation I’m in wouldn’t be happy about it. But.. surprise surprise.. I feel as happy as ever either being alone or being out in nature.. and I’m doing self-care and working towards my goals and self-improvement more than ever.. I’m not the problem, it’s everything around me that is. That’s what I tell myself because it’s true. I used to self harm and be completely unmotivated to do anything, but that was quite a while ago, as in more than a year ago. So to me, it almost sounds insulting to say I “have” anything. It always sounds like depressed people are the ones to blame when people say they “have” depression, you know? Although I’ve never been taken to be ‘diagnosed’ with anything, what I do know is that it is not me that’s the problem, and I’ve self-healed as much as I can. And I know I will be the happiest woman ever when I’m far away from them. It makes me feel very happy and warm inside thinking that. I’ll finally be completely at peace and able to fully heal when I get away from this. And the most heartbreaking thing is that.. not too long ago, thinking she was trustworthy, I came to her and talked to her when I was crying and feeling really down.

This ‘family’ system of mine is very “snake-like”. They put on the best face ever, but in the background everyone’s always talking about each other in petty ways.. spreading drama.. worrying about stupid things like job/career types.. status and money..

And the whole situation with E (that happened very recently, just a couple of days ago).. and then now they still pretend to be nice. It’s disgusting. I just ignore them as much as possible. E’s sister keeps asking my younger brother to go send heavy dishes upstairs to E’s room even though she’s the one working. She’s sent multiple complaints about the door and false accusations that I’m somehow ‘plotting’ something against her even though they can’t comprehend that the door won’t be opened within a few seconds.. and yet my little brother; the reason we have locks on she acts so ‘friendly’ towards and keeps telling him to do these petty tasks like he’s a servant.

It’s disgusting really. This is a vent at this point but I don’t mind it too much.. but things are coming at the end. I really can’t stand for this any longer.. I guess S talked a ton of smack about me prompting my mom to randomly go to me to start blabbing about never going out and not being ‘disobedient’ and ‘disrespectful’.

How disgusting and sad can they get? These are the same people that sing praises about ‘God’ all the time and pretend to be nice as if nothing happened.

Anyways, I think I’ve expressed almost everything I felt the need to let out. I really do think this is getting to the end. Something must happen, but what? I think the n took great advantage of, because my own room sounds like the best thing ever right now. And less people to be forced to deal with.. I really can’t stand even another month of this madness.. even until May that sounds too far away. My brother feels a similar way, which is good..
Next step is to finally get back to our house. Because I actually had my own room then. Which I apparently
I know that even after I write this, which gives me a sense of peace that you’re here.. I just have a weird feeling inside of me.