Notes

Hello.

I’ve been facing a long-term situation for several years now, starting on 2013.

I can give more information later on, but this is a very complicated situation that’s been going on for a long time, and I’d have to write an entire book in order to properly give all the details. This doesn’t scratch the surface that well but hey I tried. 🙂

Dad’s mom moved in (2013)
Goes back and forth every couple of weeks/months because of a babysitting job and who knows what else
Starting in 2013, my dad recently bought 2 new cars for him and my mom. He then immediately took the car away from my mom because he was angry at her. Reason: not sure
From then, the combination of my dad buying the car and then losing his job caused us to go through a ‘depression’ stage, where we struggled financially and needed government assistance
My dad’s mom started harassing me, making faces, talking badly about me on the phone, etc. for no viable reason. Nobody ever bothered her all that much, we weren’t biased and would just treat her normally and go about our days. Only I noticed at the time that she kept bullying me but nobody really cared or listened.
My dad continues getting angrier at my mom and their relationship worsens. What reason??? Who knows! I also find out while browsing the family computer that there was a collection of photos of my dad naked with another woman, and other gross explicit pictures.
That scarred me greatly, and the combination of the harassment and parent issues started making me very depressed. I was 11-12 at the time for reference. I’m 17 now. I turn 18 this June.
I talked regularly with my guidance counselor about how I was affected by house situations. She probably misunderstood and thought it was because my dad’s mom is foreign and since we can’t really communicate with each other it creates misunderstandings. That’s a viable reason. However it wasn’t the case as I found out later on. She’s just simply a bad and twisted person for short. Master of gaslighting and black magic.
For reference, she is illiterate in Haitian Creole. She can’t read very well, and I’d always hear her attempting to read the bible in Creole. So she likely grew from a very poor background. My dad is mainly familiar with his father, and he went to school and a university in Haiti. She wasn’t married to my dad’s father when they had him, so they weren’t really together. I don’t think she’s had a husband? She has 2 kids total that I know of, from different fathers. Regardless of that, one would think to have sympathy for her, right? The thing is, and what I’ve been forced to learn is that you can’t let certain factors fool you about a person. People from hard backgrounds can still be very evil. There are many homeless people that take advantage of others, and give genuine homeless people a bad name. They can easily use their struggle as a gaslighting technique. Even if she’s not ‘book smart’ she is very smart in manipulation and knows exactly what she’s doing. I don’t know anything about her personal upbringing, but this will likely bring some clarity. 🙂
I suddenly feel the urge to not write that much anymore. Anyways, my dad is constantly under a spell and programming, black magic is going on all around us, and me, my 3 brothers and my mom are in my mom’s mother’s house right now. We’ve been here for almost 4 months now. In between, I’ve become severely depressed and suicidal, it peaked in 2015-2016. I’ve had problems with my mom harassing me a lot too, and their relationship has gotten a lot worse. My mom’s being accused of cheating with other men and she gets gaslighted a lot by both my dad and his mom. My 2 younger brothers have suffered quite a bit due to her magic. My older brother goes out a lot, most likely to get away from this and so he hasn’t been affected as much. He seems to be on his own journey of self-realization. 2017-2018 I’ve gone through self-deprogramming and self-healing. Many ‘friends’ have disappeared. Honestly I’ve never really had anyone close to me. Ever. It’s usually just a ‘few months fling’ as I call it, where I talk to someone regularly and then we just drift apart from each other. I’m not very interested in approaching people to try to be friends with them, because everytime I do it it ends up as a one-sided relationship. Plus I need to focus on myself more than ever. I love talking to people, and just having fun. Not having a ‘struggle bond’ or anything. But because of the abuse of my parents and my dad’s mom and the toxic Haitian culture that doesn’t care about mental health, then I’m always beating down on myself and I’m constantly hearing that I’m ‘selfish’. I take out every wrong that someone does on myself. Whether it’s binging/starving, cutting, crying alone and enduring the pain, I know how ugly it is when someone hurts somebody else as an attempt to ease their pain. Yet whenever I dare think to speak about myself even if I’ve had 0 chances to do so, I’m treated like a criminal no matter what. There’s no supportive family member because they think in similar ways, and if they are then I’m scared to approach them. I’ve approached and made myself vulnerable.. I’ve been honest to my mom countless times and it’s done nothing. I’m just told that I need to make a better effort. That I’m the problem. I know I’m not crazy, and I know that this just isn’t right. I help myself everyday and heal myself only to get broken down again and again. Yes I still rebound but I’m looking to bounce right on out and never see anyone of these people again, because I don’t rebound as a favor to them, I do it for myself because I only have myself and feel the impossibly strong urge to take as good care of myself as possible. 2019-2020 things are still very difficult, and I’m forced to just manage I suppose. A situation arose recently.. I just can’t get left alone. Even as I’m writing this, I feel butterflies in my stomach. Is someone going to misunderstand like they always do? Are they going to call me selfish too? Am I going to get told “I need to do this” or “I need to do that” as if I can control other people like puppets? Basically, I guess the point of this is that I need eyes that can just see what I’m writing, and that hopefully my intentions and spirit is coming through from this writing. Knowing that I’m not just wasting my time writing only for nobody to understand.