Notes

I can't sleep😞 laying here with the baby's feeling a million emotions 😥😷😞😥 I'm dying inside.... about the infidelity and lies which isn't even the worst part I have to forgive you because sex is human nature and can become a uncontrollable urge for a man I have to forgive you I've made mistakes in other ways especially getting pregnant. I just feel used knowing I was 100% abiding by your rules because I felt it was fair to you. After all you done for me I was like it's not fair to act like a spoiled baby,
and at first when you told me to do that to prove to you it wasn't about money I was thinking he can't be serious? But I willed myself to see it your way after rehab I started the first job I came back to reality started looking at life differently I accepted not taking opportunities for my business and personal happiness to prove to you I can endure anything with you and I
was grateful you made me do that no matter how miserable I was in the moment I believed in you so much I started to feel empowered that I could live a totally different lifestyle without everything that made me happy because it was supposed to be temporary I found respect for enduring hardship I truly changed inside and you never got to witness the transformation I would share things with you during that time and get no response and never did I ever think you were doing anything wrong because in my mind i guess because of the age difference I believed that you knew yourself and what you wanted and you always told me that that was me😭 and that pushed me through all the nights eating gas station food like you have no idea you kept me going lol I look back now and can laugh at my naive thoughts 🤗 for you🤦🏼‍♀️ having talks in my head like I can't be mad if he can't help if he doesn't have it he's eating cup of noodles so I shouldn't be mad I can't be that selfish i would be like i can't wait to cook for him in our home in alcai and look back and laugh at these times i thought we were going through it together and looked at the bright side like you always told me everything will be good just stick with me and I didn't give two fucks about the money I was loving being cared for I would physc myself out like it's fine think of it like the first week of a new diet and you will get through it. All for our future!
I've turned down more 5* restaurants then most have been to and basic necessities like having a roof over my head and food to come all to easy for someone that looks like me I bought into the dream about sacrifice for a greater good and I felt special I felt like I was in this life with my family my special man my everything . Ive always gotten more attention then I ever wanted from men I know I'm beautiful and what I could gain.
You changed that narrative within me
I lacked emotional confidence that you rebuilt in me and you taught me self worth and took it all away just like that 🤷🏼‍♀️ wtf Steve why crush my spirit like that? after being my savior that changed everything for me in my 💓 and then go and 💔 it you have been good to me your sensitive to my feelings caring affectionate your everything a woman could want in a partner you even told me to bring my kids before to Seattle I love you for loving me through my darkest days I respect you as the good honest man that you were and I know that man is still inside you for the first time in life I felt like I can give up all the wordly possessions to prove to myself and you that I'm not a gold digger and I did a lot of soul searching during that time frame and of course propositions from men and I felt honered for coming so far to feel victorious that I didn't even think for a sec to take anything from another man and especially at that cost I was all yours in every way I was proveing to us I was worth more in every way and that we would have our happily ever after you opened up the true me I thought things would of been different during that period of time I thought we would of connected on a whole nother level and I never suspected anything when I asked why you would never call me and Skype and rekindle what we had do you remember when you loved me you would be crying to me begging me to share my feelings I was shocked you really loved me all of me fucked up and flawed it scared me like hell I thought he must be crazy you offered me marriage before that and I swear I totally would of then because you made me feel special again and you were so honest I felt special for a second then scared I was still broken from my last marriage and was like why does he like me so much I didn't feel like anyone ever would really love me and I think my insecurities tarnished us in some ways by me holding back my true feelings and my drinking problem I knew I couldn't be good to you if I didn't stop so I held on to your every word about honor and integrity I no I never showed you my heart the way I should have but that doesn't mean i didn't feel the same and that's my 2 biggest regret with us . You asked for my heart to prove to you with all of me that i was down for you and not concerned with just money during the time away from family I got caught up working a dead end job to prove to you I have work ethic and I wish you would have used that time to rekindle what we had start fresh together and dumb me didn't even think of it like he is living life with another woman or should I say woman and the lower I got financially I still endured because I knew you where teaching me the value of a hard earned money so I would be able to be responsible for the future for our future and you probably don't remember because you are always here for me but I literally didn't have a clue what to do and my family wasn't a option I had come to far I refused to lose and you said very hurtful things and I allowed myself to relapse and get black out drunk and allowed all those bad things to happen because I didn't know what I was doing but to wake up in a foreign place with money on the dresser is a all to familiar reminder of who I'm not I cryed for days for stooping so low for becoming so emotional over a man over your words and not even knowing all I thought about was how the hell did all this happen after coming so far and when I found out I was pregnant I thought it was god saying confess to him and give him the opportunity to make a choice but regardless he deserves to know because we been through it all I didn't want my struggle to go in vein I didn't want to tell you because I thought I would hurt you hurt us but I willed myself to show integrity and literally would of done anything for another chance because I felt I let you down and come to find out everything I thought was real wasn't I'm scared Steve Idk why you hate me why you let me be away from the babies why put my life on hold when I begged you to let me be if you didn't want me and you always said you loved me why you showed me everything you don't believe in ? I'm confused I still don't want to believe it like your Not that guy your one of the last good men wtf Steve be honest with me about the girls about your feelings through out these last year's

I'm begging you I need to feel something inside because I'm dead emotionally and need something to cling too keep going

I have to muster up enough courage to be a mommy every morning and today will be hell I have to be able to tell my kids everything will be ok I'm fucking loosing it please open your heart and be real I have no idea where I'm going to go with my kids and all I can think about is why you do my heart like this shame on you foreal
I wish I could give you every fucking dime back with interest today to show you where my heart is if that's what made you renig on your promises to me I hope it was all worth it because you u did something worse then what Darryl did or my abusive ex you took my soul away and I won't allow it I promise you that you better fucking love me really treat me special like you used to I need love I need to get past this chapter or their won't be any more to my book I can't handle anymore pain⚰️
Do you love these girls ? How did you meet ? Did you think about me while you were with them 😥😭😭😭 I have to sleep now I have so much more to say idk what's up with anything anymore FYI my biggest regret is becoming so different and letting myself drink not thinking of the consequences and failing us I promise I would never slip up and stressed pushed


me somewhere I shouldn't of and that's truly fucked up to you because it was all for you I never had any intention on doing you wrong no matter what you where doing I never wanted to I hate myself for that I love you and I don't even have you as a friend anymore because you replaced me 💔