Notes

I'm sorry for coming up to you all of a sudden like this. But I mean, I trust you. And I hope you understand what I'm going through. So far, only Kasia knows about this; the reason why I always go to her for comfort and to her house to get away. Now, you'll be the third one to know, but promise me that you won't tell anyone else, okay? Please don't think I'm acting all "selfish" and wanting your sympathy of how "crappy" my life is. I'm not, I'm just.. Not used to speaking my thoughts of feelings. I'm too scared to.

So, I'll tell you about my life. I didn't have a good childhood. I was alone. But not like "all alone because I'm anti-social",which could also be a case, but I go through things all by myself. I had no support whatsoever, never from my family. Even until now, I still don't get support. Ever since I was a child, I have to learn things by myself. It sucked. I never experienced Parent-And-Child time. I was never taught to ride the bike by my dad, letting me go and watch me riding without training wheels. No, I taught myself. I was never taught how to swim, but I taught myself. You get the point now. Everything I do is self-taught. It may not seem like such a big deal, but it was to me. Think about all the kids in your class boasting about things they could do or what they've learned, or even how cool their parents are. I just stood there, thinking about how pathetic and unimportant I was. It was so unfair for me. Pretty much, I raised myself to become the person I am today. And as years go by, I try learning new hobbies, thus leading to my love of art and music. Of course, self-taught as usual. By the time, I became accustomed to doing things all by myself. I don't talk to anyone. I didn't need anyone, just myself. That's why I'm able to handle things by myself, because I know myself more than everyone.

You know about my problem of jealousy of all of my friend's talents. This leads to this. I mean, they had more supporters, and are waaay more talented than me. I barely had supporters, not even my parents. There's that unfair feeling again. I just wanted to be like them.. I wanted the ability to learn from others too, but at the same time, I'm just way too damn used to doing things myself. I hate it so much.

Okay, enough about the "myself" life. Doesn't seem too bad, right? Now, here's a problem I've been facing. My parents. My damn parents. The ones who were supposed to raise and lead me to becoming a better person when I grow up. The ones who should understand their child and love them. No, my parents aren't parents. They are strangers. Strangers who influence me towards bad things. Strangers who don't even care about what happens to me. Strangers who wouldn't support their child in assemblies, performances, or tennis matches. Strangers who are constantly pushing me towards drugs and sex. They are bad parents. They only care about themselves and boasting about the "talents and achievements" my brother and I did to get fame from relatives. The only real reason they even keep me is because of my "intelligence and talents" I possess. It's even harder for my brother though since he didn't grow up trying to learn new hobbies like I did. But he did become a really great, community-service inspired guy who is known by everyone to his hilariousness and care for the community. He's a natural leader. Does my parents care? No, they wanted him to quit Key Club just to save gas. They don't care if my brother or I save the world from a disease, nor serve the community and become leaders. They only care about what's in it for them.

Oh, that's not bad! Lots of parents are like this too, don't be selfish! Ugh. Not my parents. Even at a young age, they would influence me to sex, trying to talk about it with me. No, not like that lecture of the birds and the bees. Like--actual sex for the fun of it. What kind of parents do this! Over time, they make it as a joke, telling me if I made any money from prostitution.. Even times, they.. touched me. Even in public. Please don't tell everyone. I hated it. I yell at them to stop. They use excuses like, "I was just cleaning the dirt off your pants!" Oh, you'd clean dirt by grabbing my ass upwards? No, you fucking stop. And they'd yell and make arguments at me. And you know what? They always think they're right,and win. If I had the choice to not respect my parents, I'd that that chance and lecture the crap out of them. They need to know what GOOD parents do. But no, I always have to hold it in and calmly apologize to them, only to receive cuss words thrown at me.

I'm a bitch because I told you about how I feel? Oh, I'm sorry. I'll never speak again. People always think that I'm just too shy to speak. No. That's not the case. I'm scared. The only thing that I've ever been taught is the fact that if I dare to tell anyone about what I strongly believe or how I felt about something, I will either be ignored, put down, or punished. And that was totally right in middle school. Now during real time, I'm gradually building up my confidence to speak up to my parents. I wanted then to know the pain and struggle I go through. I wanted them to know things that make me happy and committed. I want them to know my problems and help me. I want them to know ME. But whenever I do--oh, Samantha's talking, it's time to go on your phone and find something mire interesting. She noticed me ignoring her and her voice is raising, it's time to scold her and threaten her by leaving her here. It actually happened a couple times, when I tried continuing on my argument instead of backing down and apologizing. Mostly at Walmart though.

Think of a robot. You have creators. Oh, just a normal robot, nothing special. Until they find out new unknown abilities you have that fascinate them. They show it off to others, getting all the credit and fame because of what you created. However on the inside, you have no heart. No reason to be able to feel anything. You are forced to endure anything that comes out at you. If one piece of you is missing or gets loose, you malfunction.

Just like me. I cry easily and breakdown, not even able to talk about my feelings. No one in my family or relatives love me. They don't acknowledge my existence. The only thing they know about is "my cartoon drawings and lousy piano and violin playing." I wouldn't even be going to family parties, but my mom wants me to go only if I wear make up and look "pretty" so she can be all like "This is my daughter, she looks just like her mom!" N-No, please shut up they dont care. Especially my cousins. So many damn times, they had sessions where they talk crap about me, not even knowing I was sitting right there..

I hate my family, I hate my life, and I hate the fact I can't do anything about it. I try my best to seem happy at school, because I also want my friends to be happy. Happier than me. But I'm so jealous if them. They don't need a person like me. I avoid talking about myself, but I like getting to know the other person speaking to me. At times, cautiously putting out my thoughts. Lots of times after school, i mainly join extracurricular activities to avoid being at home. I don't want to be at a please where I'm not loved. Possibly the only person who does is my brother, only because he's experiencing the same as I am. But our cousins like him, not me. I even stay at Kasia's house until like 8pm, but I'm forced to give the excuse of "unable to get picked up" constantly.

I would like to speak more but, I think this should be enough for now. I'm tired. And I possibly might tell you what happened earlier today, but now you know Sam's life, congrats. The living robot.

To sum it all up, all I really want is to be loved. Loved by my family, loved by my friends, and love myself. I don't want anything to be all for nothing. I want to be able to know that I'm heading towards the right path, that I'm running my life freely by myself. And I was even so heartbroken a couple days ago. My boyfriend called it off. Ash (nickname because he doesn't like his real name pfft) was also experiencing some self-problems and hated himself for it, that the fact that it was hurting him to know it was hurting me if he just acted all sad. I mean, he still likes me, but he just doesn't like the fact that I'm constantly there to cheer him up. He wants to be there for me too, but the distance and the problems he's also facing is throwing it off. It was only recently that he knew what I was going through in my life, the phone call I gave him when I was crying by myself in the car when my parents broke off in public and left me there with the last words of "Everything is your fault. I blame YOU that our family is like this. You are a pain in the ass. You are the main reason why your father and I are fighting so much! You shouldn't have been born!" He got all worried about me, texting me if I was safe when I suddenly hung up when I saw my parents appear suddenly. I would've called you too for comfort but.. I'm not so used to asking for help and I didn't want to be a bother to anyone. Lately, he doesn't talk to me anymore.. Probably because he wants to avoid saying anything stupid or depressing, or maybe he just doesn't like me anymore. Hrnnghh..

*sigh* I need to stop talking. It grosses me out to speak about myself so much like this. I just.. Really wanted to be accepted and loved, that's all..