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always been 1
So May 7th 2019-This Happened!!!!
PSN:Paris Suicide Note,
Paris-Serious I Hate everything. I am not meant to be happy I guess. Whatever God or universe in control doesn't want me happy. I have no desire to confine to anyone else's world. Only the desires of my heart. MY HEART HURTS!!! It hurts badly and its tired. So tired that I have to look at my alternatives. At this point it sucks having to hurt other people's lives by taking myself out but that may be better for me than feeling this embarrassment and dreadful sadness I feel now and always felt my whole fucking life. I often get so disappointed in people taking their own life but I always totally understand why. I'm so sick and tired of feeling this guilt over something I have no control over and more importantly I am so sick of this feeling of fighting it. So much fucking fighting. Everyday, Every Hour, Every fucking second, I'm so fucking bitter. My Mom so selfishly thinks I don't want to be in her life and help her when she doesn't want to understand how alone I am and no matter how much I try I cant seem to help myself for the love of God. How dare I try to help other people which has always been 1 of my hearts desire when I cant help my fucking self. I hate everything, I cant be who I want to be and it fucking sucks. Everything goes wrong for me. What is the fucking point of this misery. I try to cover my mind up with all the "fun" stuff to do in my life to cover up the mental fucked up ness but I cant even keep up the fun cause shit never goes right. Obstacle after fucking obstacle. Who did I kill or murder to ever deserve this. I been mostly an honest and helping person my entire fucking life and FOR FUCKING WHAT!!! Over it so fucking over it. I'm typing this I think cause i'm trying to stop myself from doing something stupid. Its a waste of my time and mental fortitude to even be thinking this way but this is the position my stupid pathetic life with no fucking solutions other than to deal with it has put me in. No point in continuing relationships with family or friends at all, just makes me feel worse; I naturally want nothing more than to build relationships with fam and friends and that's why it hurts so fucking much. It will be better for me sure, sadder, If I just turned it all off. DEMONS!!!
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