Notes

hmm i still not sleep, just lied before

and usually idk what i will be write in this notes, maybe today you not read it, but there is still a chance that youll be read it

okey my meeting already finish today in the evening, and its not going well bcs idk why there is so many bugs comes up

idk why my face smells like blackforest cakes..
oke next

its already 12.42 and i just finish play the game and like usually being bullied again with the themes is blocked by you. when i get unblocked and bla bla bla

im okay, idk why im so weak before, now i just feel like okay and then? idk am i just wanted to be look stronger or what
but ill be fine for now

okey let me think what i want to tell you now hm
oh yup two weeks ago or weeks before when i go to the mall, idk why i feel like i met you, someone like you pass by, and i 70% that i had halusination

when someone have a little same like ur voice, then you pop up in my mind, why it must be like this, why

i can pass 7 years bfore, but now why it feels so heavy
and tonight i just can descibe me as the one who
"need attention"
"hate to be lonely"
"hate to waiting"
bcs of that i become like this
and i cant control myself too
its kinda horrible

sometimes i hate myself for being stuborn
really hate it
and i can conclude that i still didnt love myself

being mature is hard, i agree.
i already to tell my self to havent that negative personalities
but idk it bounce back again and again

how to change my mindset.. when i just keep blocking it and feel dont like about it

right now i just think

if u come now, right now
so what i can do
what i can give it to you
what i can do for u
and am i already enough for u
will my parents or your parent agree with us or not.

idk why i just i still being like a kid
okey i just blocking myself to defend myself
its complicated really.

i beg you to not block me and just ignore my dm is already gift from u
but like always i want more and keep any possibilities the way you comeback. how funny i am

idk i should send it or not
but if u read this then i decided to send it
im sorry
im really sorry
i shouldnt overthinking and do it like this
but i know it will be a new normal for me soon
being in this cruel condition
and i hope u too

i just cant being positive tonight, just negative thinkings comes
okey maybe i need do more meditation
to overcome it

if i still being negative like this i just feel doesnt have love for you
bcs i just keeping cornering you and blame all of this bcs u
im so egoist right now

why i being this negative even i already didnt tumbllr anymore
that sad quotes or what

its just hurt when just think your names
and then memories comes up sometimes too
you tell me to forget the missarable moments
but when i rembember the good ones, i feel the same in the end

i just thinking about to let go and dont thinking about you for now
i will just keep it deep down of myself
and i will take a hiatus from that account after i make the last one video

i will not going anywhere, i just being like you
just silent and do something secretly?
i think it will be make me better

i will be okay and i wouldnt make any possibilities of the way you comeback right now

at the first time i say i wouldnt leave u, but if this leaving your for a while for our good

then ill doit, i dont want to be act crazy like this
who always being sad like this

okey ill prepare the last video
goodluck boo
ill be okay, ill be try to love mysellf more
and of course dont forget ily/?

and even i didnt say goodmorning have a nice day
dont forget to lunch
goodnite have a nice dream lets meet at dream

just do it the best that you can okay
im always for you right here

i almost 98% believe this plan will work but
if something happen to you how i will know if i didnt stalk you..
like that black profile picture..

ah okay then ill do control my self to be positive then
i will still keep say all of that things

okey goodnite
ily
have a nice dream
dont block me!!!!!!!!!!