Notes

I thought I heard laughter, but I was dead wrong. It was my mother weeping after she caught my father cheating. After months of looming suspicion, those late nights with the “boys” and phone calls from private numbers, she finally caught him. It all made sense now. The thin walls of our home did little to shield me from the wrath of a hurting mother. An active war zone our old cramped usually peaceful apartment had become. Questions flooded my mind: Why are they fighting? Did he betray his family? It was a never-ending storm of chaos. The aftermath of their endless conflict and constant bickering led me to resent my father.

Three months passed; they’re back together. The golden age of our nuclear family was upon us. He was actively being a father and a genuinely good husband. “I love you,” they say to each other even after what he did. How? Is their love so compelling as to repair such a tremendous rip in a family? Johann Caspar Lavater once said,“Be certain that he who has betrayed thee once will betray thee again.” Two hundred years later and his advice is still as applicable as it was when it was first stated. When it comes to describing the pain of being betrayed, words fail me. The pain of being forsaken is a visceral experience leaving a person feeling adrift in a void, dejected. After this, it destroyed whatever remaining dignity my father had left. It pushed him toward drugs and alcohol. Imagine reading a comic book where the favorite superhero loses to the villain. What emotions does it evoke? Seeing my favorite superhero lose to his inner demons made me feel like hope is lost. No one can protect me from the horrors of the world. I'm vulnerable. He had deserted us, his family and left us to fend for ourselves and struggle with our hardships alone.

“Welcome to Regal.” That phrase started it all. I had to contribute to my family as my brother and I are the men of the house. My mother’s eyes glistened as a teardrop rolled down her cheek while I handed her my first paycheck and said,”You deserve this.” I believe that being attentive, considerate, solicitous, and thoughtful, I would stay clear of my father's curse. Nothing in life is freely given. Everything is a hustle. While juggling school and having to work to support my family, while everyone else seems to be partying and creating high school memories that will remain with them for life is difficult. I'm picking up my father’s slack as well as building upon my own character. Maybe God has different plans for me but I'm making the most out of what my mother has worked for and I sure as hell won't let it go to waste.

On December 7th of 2019 my father died of an overdose. His funeral took place the weekend of my birthday.