Notes

somedays I hate living, somedays I wish there was no death. some months I hate love, some months I feel so in love and im walking on clouds. today is one of those days where im down and so done w the "process." ive been trying so hard to keep a smile and laugh in my heart but its wearing off. it feels like I was held together by duct tape and something got on the sticky part and im slowly falling apart and useless. even my mom sees how im slowly dying inside. I just want to say goodbye 1 more time and actually end it. a lot has been on my back. I want everything to be ok but when it finally hits that good point I dwell on the sad shit because I don't know what true happiness is and what it feels like. the only reason why I quit trying to end it is because I want to get better and see my family happy again w me. but my hopes are getting so low. right now I just want my mom. for some reason right now I need her so bad and shes not here. I just want to yell her name out and tell her how much im hurting. I want her to understand why im hurting, but the thing is I don't even know why im hurting. maybe I deserve all this pain. there has to be a reason why im hurting. fuck life. fuck love. fuck everything. nothing will get better for me. before death I want to understand myself and why I feel like this. I overthink lots of shit and maybe that's why I feel like this. I think the worst about every decision. like ill never find love, or im to fat, or my to ugly, or my family doesn't love and treat me the same. but im just a stupid little girl who doesn't understand shit. well I think this is the shit I needed to get off my chest for the night. I know your not human but thank you for listening and understanding what im saying. and next time I need help ill come back to this same app because it really helped me. goodbye