Notes

ok. i like super debated on if i was going to step up and be the bigger person about this or if i was just going to let it be and sorta.... drift away so to speak. meaning, i wouldn't have ever spoken to you again and would've continued my life that way. but... not that i find myself CARING enough to do this b/c im a stubborn bastard (always have been) and am, not about to lie here, still quite bitter about this whole misunderstanding. oh, what? i forgot to mention. this whole stupid thing of both of us not even caring to LOOK at the other was based off a fucking misunderstanding. anyways, it's not that i really care enough to do this but more that im doing it to get a sense of closure from it instead of letting it sit and stew in its own hatred. im writing this to figure out what it is i'm thinking and it's one of a couple things i've been wanting to attempt to try and fix up from my end for, again, closure purposes. i am not writing this to get a response from you, i don't expect anything in return. i don't care. in that sense anyway.

now, what's this about a misunderstanding you might ask? well. i'm going to start off by telling you what i felt that day that you'd stormed off all offended when i wouldn't talk to you. i felt like shit. i felt so shitty, but i knew like every other school morning, you were likely waiting for me in the hallway leading to the gym to talk, so of course i had to put on a happy face so as to not upset you. i know i have before when i get into those terrible moods i can't drag myself out of. i know i can be a real asshole in these moods. but, for once, i was going to pretend i was doing okay even though i was on the verge of tears. i didn't expect you to know any of this, i don't ever expect anyone to read my mind and i know i'm real shit at communicating my emotions and needs. it's a work in progress. i'm only explaining my side here, and as much as i still feel extreme frustration about all this, i can also understand how you might've been hurt by me. i also didn't know that it would turn out like this though.

i see you, talking to that girl i can never remember the name of, and i was like okay, i'll give a playful bop, even if i wasn't going to say anything yet (i really couldn't speak, i physically could not because again, i felt like crying. i felt like death), i wanted to give off the impression that everything was fine. turns out, this was some personal shit, stuff that needed to stay between her and you. not a problem; in fact, hearing this, i was so very relieved. i didn't have to do anything! i had some time to myself to sort myself out. didn't think it was necessary to say anything, plus i really didn't feel like it. i could not. didn't sense anything wrong then, probably because i was still wrapped up in my own emotions; felt like i was underwater.

i go off, and i change. i come out, no improvement on my mood, my mental state. nothing. figured maybe i'd get a chance to NOT interact with anyone, maybe you'd gone off to do your thing for gym, maybe we'd meet up after. nope! unfortunately, there you were. now, don't take offense to that, i want to reiterate i would not have wanted to interact with ANYONE period. i felt so fucking empty, a husk of myself. no one would've been able to drag a word out of me. it absolutely baffled me how you'd thought i was upset or offended by you needing alone time with someone that needed to tell you personal crap. like, no? i can see how the way i acted COULD be interpreted that way, but also, there was literally NOTHING to go off of there. i didn't say anything, i didn't do anything. i didn't have ANY reaction. but i guess the lack of reaction can be taken as a reaction? i don't know. if i was offended, i promise you i would've unloaded on you as soon as i felt it. though, i'm keeping more of an open mind here and trying to remember that i gotta take fault in this too. i know i should have said something, though i feel like even if i told you straight up "i really don't feel like talking right now, i feel like shit, leave me alone" you still would've took that the wrong way. but i digress.

you take the opportunity to be mad and storm off on me, and you know what? i somehow felt lighter for it. not that i considered you a weight on me, but more like "THANK GOODNESS, i don't have to talk to anyone anymore!" made me feel lighter, but not in an entirely good way. made me feel gross and like it was meant to be that way, too. that's more on me though, because my brain loves to tell me that i don't deserve any friends. constantly telling me i SHOULD fuck up my friendships because clearly i don't deserve them. i could be friends with someone for years and still be confused on how they like me at all and actually want to spend time with me. not that this situation was on purpose in any way. not the point though. like, god. as much as losing the responsibility of a friendship like that felt good to me in a self sabotaging sorta way, i felt like the lowest piece of garbage imaginable. it's not that i felt bad for what happened, it's that my brain took that as proof that i was an unlikable piece of shit that should not be alive. it felt like in one fell swoop, i'd lost two people very important to me that weeks back, i'd been walking the track and talkin to during gym, feeling like the luckiest bastard on the planet. you know exactly who i'm talking about there, no need to explain.

i remember spending at least two free days during gym walking the track and daydreaming about... well. i'll tell you straight: killing myself or running away somewhere. sounds dramatic, but i was experiencing extreme suicidal ideation and it was some of the worst i've felt. i'm not here to guilt you though, i just feel the need to explain myself completely. i don't blame that stuff on you, it was bound to come through someday, and it ain't ever anybody else's fault that i have horrible coping mechanisms. people leaving my life absolutely destroys me and it's hard to let go. it's why i spent way too long chasing after francisco (yes NOW im mentioning him.) when he'd already tossed me into the trash without a care. and don't worry, i don't think i care for the guy now. he got shittier somehow, and i allowed myself to process my own emotions about the situation, let myself see that i didn't need that shit in my life and to let the guy be. i finally let myself be angry about it all.

yeah. i don't know. that's about it. oh, also, you didn't see it but i am no longer identifying myself as a trans man. long story there, not a new thing for me but new to people i've already told, figure at least you should know that or you'll remember me as the wrong person. still jamie. just not a guy i guess. don't care about the pronoun situation. not expecting anything in return for this, if you read it all that's more than enough for me. not sure i care for anything else. have a nice life or whatever. thanks. bye.

this whole thing has honestly made me lose a lot of respect for you, honestly. i don't expect any better from you for myself nor am i saying i'm better or anything dumb like that, that's just me saying that straight up. i'm just tired. if we continued being friends i promise you there won't be nearly as much trust there and it'll take a bit to build up, if ever.