Notes

"lillians life story"

hey this is me, lillian. im no the typical girl you would think i am im not good at writing but here im trying. im not really sure what to say right now its hard to explain. i mean its not the typical story you would read i get it which nobody should be reading this other than me, but if you are hello. all this started five years ago when i found out someone i loved the most had passed. its hard on me and it always will be im not sure if i will ever get rid of that pain. it hurts to talk about. you would think that if i wasn't there it wouldn't be to hard but it is. see i didnt see it happen but yet im here and every time i think of him i see the accident and what happend see heres how he died. he loved motorcycles and he left the family a while back for personal reasons/drug use mom kicked him out but thats besides the point so thaat five years ago he was out on his motorcycle and he used to ride between cars and he rode between these two cars and one of them freaked out and swerved and hit him and he fell off his bike and his helmet broke. but heres the thing i see that happen and i can just see him laying there dead helplessly blood everywhere nothing but violence and gore it not something pretty you would want to see and it pains me too see that. its not something someone would likely see on a daily bases. you know i just have to hide all the pain and misery from everyone i have no one to talk to but anytime i try to talk they dont take me serious you would think i have friends... well i dont woah such a surprise not really. this story is gonna take a turn and im going to tell you everything about me that u might not want to know. you know it gets hard to hide it sometimes. all the anxiety and depression all built into one, not having friends, feeling like everyone hates you, felling worthless every day, like no one cares, like you dont matter, as if ur just another piece of dirt in the world that no one cares about. you know its difficult but heres something you probably dont know about me i know i know you might think im some 20-30 year old girl who thinks the world revolvs around her no im a 12 year old girl whos going threw all this pain i dont feel like its fair and yes everyone goes threw things but why WHY does it have to happen to me at 12 im to young for this someone help me i cry for help but no ones there im drowning. i dont like the way i look the ways i act i want to change it all but i dont know how its hard to care when you hate yourself. you know how many times ive had suicidal thoughts? no? okay let me tell you. i probably had those thoughts over 500 times a year. i dont know why im writing this idk i guess im looking for attention no im not because im not showing anyone this and if ur reading it idk why you are but still. everyone thinks im fine i tell myself in "okay" "im fine" but its not true it never is sometimes ive felt to much pain i go numb i cant feel anything. i cant sleep. i cant think properly. i feel like im rotting. it is currently 4:57 a.m. not tired just alone in a dark room writing a stupid story shouldn't i be asleep and then wake up in the morning happy? mabey go outside run around and play? no what i do is not sleep and lay in bed sometimes i sleep but if i sleep its all day and night no waking up and when i do im exhausted sad and in pain emotionally i feel worn out. i dont understand what happening to me recently but its not okay. i wish i had the confidence to pull my life together at 12 years old huh but i dont. i hate myself and i dont want anyone to be like me. everyone hates me. people complain about feeling like "they have no friends" but what about the people who really dont? oh hey look at that its not 5:02 a.m. thats not a surprise moms probably gonna walk in soon and say "have you slept at all" ima just respond with the usual lie "yeah i just woke up" not like it fools anyone i dont know what this story turned into. i know im boring... my mom took my phone over something dumb/it was for a good reason i was sending umm well bra and underwear pictures to my ex we where together at the time. but anyways that just makes it to where i have non one to talk with anymore its probably been a month since i last touched that thing. i already know my future is fucked by the way i am. ima end up as a stoner who drinks and does nothing. thats all i see in my future but i dont want it. you know im laying in bed not knowing what im doing anymore but its here. people say i have things good physically its alright but mentally its a storm. no one understands me i cant count how many times ive asked for a counselor because i didn't want to feel this anymore i guess in all reality i started feeling this way when i was 7 but im not sure where this is going so im going to end it here and write something better i guess this was just practice so ill see you in the next one.