Notes

Since the indecent happened with your brother I've been very introspective, trying to figure things out. I've had to deal with life and what needs taking care of but in my free time and even during work I've been trying to figure out what's been driving my actions. A lot of it has to do with being stuck in the past, sometimes trying to reconcile wrongs that have nothing to do with you that I need to move on from and some of its being stuck in the "good old days" but at the end of the day I've been looking backwards too often. We've both apologized for things, I hated to ever hear you say sorry and I'm disappointed in the things that I've had to apologize for. I'm scared to lose you to be honest, not because anything you ever did for me but because I saw an actual future with you. We agree I'm wrong for calling another girl hot in-front of your face. That's super disrespectful. I want to be the boyfriend, and then the husband, and then the eventual father, that you can say to on your death bed that you lived an amazing life with. When you called us a partnership, that's what really changed things for me and gave me a new perspective on what this was. The other day I was going to ask you about kids, but I could see how by where I am now it's not in your best interest. This is really hard for me to even write right now, because after hearing that you're done, the person who's inside of me who was ok with being alone for so long instinctually or out of habit always says that I can handle this journey on my own, and I can, but at the end of the day what I really want is you; the house, the car, the kids, and the white picketed fence with all of our shenanigance right there in the front yard on display for everybody to see. My thing with asking you to get back in was, as much as I loved you during that time it was always going to bed wondering what can I do better tomorrow to try and win her over and at a point that started to feel unhealthy, like I want to do things for my wife because I love her, not to win her over. I'm looking forward to my future and our potential life together in San Diego and I realize what I'm doing now almost like a kid with ADD being told over and over again that what I'm doing is wrong and consciously knowing so. I've been moving at a million miles an hour trying to get somewhere and it's time for me taking Ferris Bueller's advice.