Notes

I could be very wrong, as i often tend to be, but I think that there's a paradox that has held me back. See, the answer to all my problems seems to be her. If that will cause other problems down the line is something i'm not concerned about. Problem is, I can only go so long before I need her to keep me going. While this is okay, it is temporary, and far from ideal. So then, I should try to establish a stronger relationship, where I am as valuable to her, as she is to me. Ignoring all the obstacles I would face if I were okay all the time (obstacles I will face anyway), my current obstacle is trying to present myself while being stable. Whenever I go to get help and reset, I reset the progress in our relationship, causing a cycle. Therefore, my only courses of action to break the cycle are to (essentially) die, or resolve the relationship. The problem thus far has been that I haven't endured the pain long enough. If I can manage to somehow make it without her knowing about my issues, then maybe, just maybe, I'll have a chance before I die. This could go very wrong. It will certainly be the darkest and most taxing part of my life so far, but success could mean at best, eternal rest from this demon. It's worth a shot.