Notes

What is my problem ?
the question that I don't want to think about ; for real it scares me . I am being so nice and kind to people , trying to make everyone who meets me satisfied and to talk good in my back , I would never like people to talk bad about me .. Yeah tonight I am accepting this fact , and I really could not talk about this or write it because I did not have the balls and courage to stop every idea and overthink about this one , just put some good music and ignite that joint , then take some puffs and continue diving in this ocean , the ocean of this question; WHAT IS MY PROBLEM ?...
I ve got a quiet good job at the moment , I mean it's not that good , also not that bad ; if I have to talk about my job I would say that I am satisfied with it , but I am not comfortable having that kind of work , sitting on a chair for 9 hours a day to get paid between 24 and 26 dhs per hour is not a big deal , especially when it comes to the routine ... not beneficial at all , you can only work for 9 hours and spend one hour on the transportation before you get to work , and one added hour after you leave , which makes it 11 hour out of home , no GYM ,no new plans , just sitting in front of the computer and work on that platform. yeah I feel good with it because 6 months before I was a broken-asshole seeking for 30 dhs perday to spend it on cigarettes and coffee .
I made a move that was hard for me to be taken 8 months ago , I was really comfortable being on the comfort-zone , I seek people's satiscation , I still do , I appreciate it when I made someone happy , I like to make people feel they are loved and there is someone-which is me- who cares about them , but this lead to two scenarios , either they will count on me on many things and open themselves to me , or they will feel that I need them in my life to be happy and I will answer about both situations ; when they start counting on me and opening themselves to me I start being myself with them , and the problem here is when I open myself to them they know that I am a smart asshole who does not make a wrong move , that gentleman is not a real one , I am addmiting that I am not a good person , or maybe I am but I don't make moves without a reason .. I help people everyday and I do that because I know how it feels when someone helps you or just by trying to help ; So I start being myself then the result is that they get annoyed because I counted on them too then they realize that I don't need them in anything , how could he offers help while he does not want other to help him ?-
that's a problem too .
the second scenario is when they think that I try to help and do whatever it needs , just little details, to make them feel comfortable with me ; in this scenario things change , because I stop talking to them or seeing them , this move make I call the plot twist ; as Quantin Tarantino's scenarios !
in this part of my life , I really need no one to survive .. I love my family and I fear god .
I just want to added my last opinion about the people I mentioned in this what's ever called , writing or chapters or whatever the fuck , I don't give a fuck about your white asses any more ; I will do what ever it takes to proove you are fucking idiots and you deserve to be slaves to time and thoughts . ALHAMDOLILAAH ALA KOLI HAL , I appreciate my soul , my mind and my body that god has given me ; I would not make Lord disappointed with this blessing on me ; if Allah loves me , and I am pretty sure he does ; I will try to make every move for a good reason , not as before I used to make moves but without a good reason , it might be bad sometimes , but from now on there will be a good reason , I mean benificial reason , and I will seek to help people as before , but this time I will help only the people who is really in need , may Allah help me spread some love on the souls that really need it .
Since I need no one o survive , things will change from now on ; I ll do whatever I want and say what ever I want to say ; I love Allah and I hope that he would help me to make him proud of the blessing he gave me ..