Notes

Today is Sunday May 14, 2020 12:47AM
I feel so alone in this world with my overwhelming feelings. The anxiety is horrendous most of the time. Sometimes so overwhelming that I feel like just giving up and no one would ever care... I know they would, but ya know...anxiety is over powering and it just takes over. I feel like there is nothing that can save me from it. I don't even know what causes it really, maybe that's what bothers me the most? or... maybe i'm just over thinking everything? Well, I guess I will never know. Sometimes it's hard to function with all of these thoughts. Sometimes it's easier, but rarely. There are so many things I just don't understand that I need too. Will talking to someone ( a professional) help? No, I don't think so. Will I ever be 100% okay!? Probably not. I've learned to live with it, but it is it really worth it? Maybe. Maybe not. I post on social media alot and don't really get any feedback or messages.... Sometimes people will message me things like "are you okay?" "Listen, if you ever need anyone I'm here" Truth? They are all just being nosie. No one really gives a fuck, and that's okay, but it would just be nice for someone to actually come to my rescue and just listen to me... sometimes I think it's too late......

My husband is wonderful. He makes me feel like I'm the only girl in the world, and I love him for that among a million other reasons. But, I don't want to bombard him everytime I feel like shit or I'm having bad thoughts about myself. It's not fair to him. I've actually been in a really bad place with my eating thoughts and habits that I don't want to tell him about because I feel like I'm letting him down or that I'll dissapoint him... I know I know.... I shouldnt be thinking this way, but that's just how I'm wired I suppose. I've been counting calories, restricting, then binging... It's going to turn into Anorexia again, I can just feel it. The same feelings as before... I'm fat. I'm discusting. I can't breathe when I look at my own reflextion in the mirror...How pathetic is that!?!?!!? Pretty.....fucking....pathetic......

I act like I'm okay... but can people see through my bullshit cover? I don't think, but so be it. I need help. But I don't want it. You know what I really want!? I want to be THIN! Ana takes over my thoughts. Telling me I need to weigh less than 100lbs. I need a scale. I need help.

How can I tell anyone all of this???? How do I live with this.....again....? I'm failing my family.... my husband.... my kids....myself....
I know that, but this time i think i'm just to far gone. Okay maybe that's a bit dramatic, but I feel like if i go through this again, I'm dead. Yep...DEAD. What does it feel like? Will all of my worries go away? I'm not sure. I would be leaving behind alot... Do I want to put my family through that? No, not really.