Notes

My bipolar may be awful, and my anxiety can be a burden to others, as i am always freaking out and scared of being abandoned, but that is because i always get abandoned, people tell me things like "You know what it's like to get left behind too?" no i don't, because being left behind and being abandoned + forgotten are two different things, the fact i can help people have fun, and do so much for them, just for them to leave me every single time for the past 10+ years is absolutely ridiculous, I always get told life will get better, been told that when i was Ten, I am turning Nineteen this year and it still remains the same, so does that mean it is okay for people to call me a freak or a monster because i used to harm myself? Because i was put in the hospital from overdosing but failed? they don't even know my backstory but have the nerve to judge me right away, without letting me tell them the reason to all that, I always get left because of what kind of person i am, i don't want to be alone due to trauma and i get called clingy for that? i don't fucking live off of people's presence, i don't NEED to be with people, i just choose to be, because if i am alone, in pain, when i can be making other people in pain laugh and smile, what the fuck am i achieving? I should be acting like an adult but i haven't achieved shit, for a Nineteen year old i am pretty goddamn pathetic if you ask me, i get told so many times, that i use my bipolar and anxiety as an excuse when i do not, or i get accused of guilt tripping, when i really don't, I don't need people to feel bad for me.., I get told so many times that i am a failure and mistake that should actually succeed in an attempt of suicide because i just make it harder for others, who gets to decide that?! I honestly hate how fragile and sensitive i am, i get hurt and down from the dumbest things, even if it is just a joke, am i at fault? Who knows, but all i know is, i won't let my problems be anyone else's i have for a long time and still will continue, to put others before me, i do not care about myself, I've tried and nothing changed, but what changed? Me making people laugh and smile.. that's something i can do and it makes me happy knowing i am capable of doing something like that, why did i write this? i had to get some stuff off my chest, i can write more but i think the note is gonna run out of space, thank you for reading. - Gracelynn