Notes

A lot of people have that special song, that they also listen to whenever they feel down and i don't really have a song like that. I normally just wallow in my sadness and i guess i normally just listen to a handful of songs but i don't have one that has stuck. i.. or perhaps i have found my song... You know what i hate, i hate how now when i see these type of things i feel like i need it, for example i feel like i need a special song and i'll keep searching it until i find it and i hate that about myself. Perhaps all i want is to fit in but in the end it doesn't matter it's not like my friends will ever ask me and it's not a normal conversation starter it's not gonna change the world or do any better its just a...song. And yet it feels special i keep having these huge changes where ill only wear black and hoodies and mum jeans... but then i'll feel like i look stupid because i don't fit in.. so what do i want because now i have a style that i want to try out but then i'll feel stupid wearing it because it will be just me...alone wearing it. Im scared of men looking at what im wearing i chose this particular style because it doesn't show a lot of skin and i know its not my fault but i mean i live in London even though im 13 they are gonna say things, and someone already has and it ruined me, my own mother doesn't understand how it hurt me she just said "its a compliment" but i don't want his compliment i don't need that from a 40yr old man perhaps you do but your 13yr old daughter doesn't she keeps telling me "oh you want a tight top?" and she gives me this unpleasant look.. sorry i want to feel pretty but it doesn't matter now because its over taken me these men are shit. and now im wearing things that hide my skin and yet im still scared every time i walk by a man i feel him looking at my butt and it makes me so uncomfortable IM 13! please just stop. Its stupid that i care so much but i've grown up to care but people think of me and it's not easy to just stop thinking... another thing is that i really want to skateboard but im scared of people judging or thinking im a beginner or that girls shouldn't skateboard or just in general people looking.. i like just being invisible and doing whatever i want but then i'll freak out if anyone notices me being stupid or having fun. I wonder if it was a mistake i wonder if it was a mistake saying goodbye.. perhaps she was the only one who really cared for me but now its gone and i feel like its gone because i was being selfish and only thinking of myself, but was it selfish? or was i defending myself? defending myself against what though, i wonder if i took that other path where would i be? i keep wanting change i keep wanting to change my hair, my room and my style i just cant even accept what i have and i dont know why i can't just settle down. why can't i just pause and enjoy what i have for a moment before it's taken away? why is it so hard to just accept where i am and not wish for more. Or perhaps... all those decorations i've put up is because i just so badly want to feel me again.. perhaps being in this room and being in this situation made me realize i've lost myself.. its funny how these small decorations bring joy they are the only colour the only thing for me and not for anyone else. Perhaps, im just trying to find myself all those style changes are because i cant find myself.. maybe when i find the right style i'll know straight away and perhaps then i wont care what anyone says, perhaps then ill realize that ive finally arrived. I think im subconsciously trying to find myself an putting up these decorations are my first step im yearning to feel me to feel comfortable in myself, its like being in a black and white room soon enough you'll get tired of the same colour and the moment you put some colour you realize what you really need. i keep... i keep thinking about my schoolwork i can't even enjoy myself with daily things it's always there lurking... its another thing holding me down. And again.. am questioning, i dont know why. I need to find myself. i hate men.