Notes

I don't really know what I'm doing. I need to fucking say something, I need to vent right the fuck now about this god damn problem that's just been haunting me for years and this empty discord group is the first place I can see that I can type privately.

And that would be her - the girl who I love, who doesn't give half a shit about me. That's really weird, actually. It's the first time I've said anywhere but in my mind I love her and meant it, I mean I said it to her when we were dating but we were so young... I couldn't have understood it or meant it. But I'm at the age to understand it, and I know I love her. And I've been waiting years for it to go away and it just doesn't, and as soon as I thought it had I fucking saw her streaming. And I knew I needed to stay away from it and that it wouldn't be good for me, but I went and checked it out, and as usual I got that unique feeling in my gut that only she can give me. Meanwhile, I'm sure she was wondering what the fuck her ex from years ago was doing there when she's been pretty obvious she wants nothing to do with me. And after I left I tried to remind myself of that, that it's clear I'll never stand a chance again - that I'll never get to be her friend, much less anything more again. And I told myself I'd stay away from her social media and everything else... and then I saw her streaming again. And I couldn't fucking help it. So I went to the stream and decided fuck it, and donated some shit, and when she saw it she seemed so happy. I hadn't made her smile in so long, and I knew that, and seeing her smile and knowing I was the cause of it just made me fucking weak. I haven't felt that way in so long. I'm sure she hasn't even thought about it since but I certainly have. And we talked a bit too, we had our first decent conversation in a really long time - about bugs. And then she started to seem uninterested and before I knew it, I was being ignored. It was our first conversation in so long and I just totally forgot, I guess, that those conversations will be few and far between until they're over completely. There was a sliver of hope for a few days that I would be a part of her life again, a sliver of hope that's entirely gone yet again.

And it's gone because I know I don't even deserve to be a part of her life. Every opportunity she's given me, whether it's to be her boyfriend or to be her friend, I've ruined. When she wanted to be with me I decided to leave her to protect her from a psycho instead of just going to an adult about it, being able to keep our relationship intact while also keeping her protected. When it seemed like something might be brewing between us again, before I knew it, it just fizzled out I guess. When it seemed like she wanted to be friends I couldn't stop flirting and talking about her looks because interacting with her normally was fucking killing me, knowing I couldn't have her. And then, when she was vulnerable after getting out of a relationship, instead of me being there to fucking comfort her I had her help me jack off. I had myself convinced at the time I cared about my relationship too even though I was just trying to use that girl to get over the girl I truly cared about, and then I probably turned her off even more by complaining about how I fucked up my relationship.

I don't know why the fuck I did that. I regret it so fucking much, that was my chance to be her friend again, to prove to her how much I care about her happiness. and instead I was fucking stupid and thought to myself this was the closest I'd get to having a relationship with her ever again, and that I should take advantage of it while I could. and I'm sure whenever we talk now, she thinks about that situation, and how fucking creepy it was. she said she didn't realize I was being serious, but I think she realized it in the moment and meant to help me - and that was great and all, but not better than the friendship I could've developed with her instead if we just talked about our relationships that we had gotten out of.

I feel like I should probably feel bad about getting off to her at all, but I don't. I know she'd probably be disgusted by it, she'd probably be disgusted to even think about me jacking off and she'd be even more disgusted to know that she's sometimes what I'm using to cum, but I know in my mind she's much more than just an object of my sexual fantasies. It's never just me thinking about fucking her, it's always making love. It's passionate, and frankly quite depressing once I finish because post nut clarity hits and I know that it'll never fucking happen. Guess that'll just always have to stay in my fantasies, along with everything else regarding her.

I don't even fucking care about that shit. I just wish we could be friends. I just wish she cared about me, I wish I had the opportunity to put a smile on her face. I wish I was her first choice when she was upset and needed someone to talk to. I wish she would just give me one more chance, just one more to show her how much I really care, to show her that I'm more than anything she's seen from me before. Maybe then she'd want a relationship, maybe then she'd give me a chance but even if she didn't - at least I'd be in her life. At least I'd be able to know that I've made her happy.

The logical part of me realizes I've never been close enough with her to fall in love, at least, I shouldn't have fallen in love considering we've never been incredibly close, but emotionally that's just so far from the case. I cannot possibly identify what I am feeling as anything other than love. All I want is to make her happy. Even if it's just for a day, even if I'm only putting one smile on her face - I'd do anything for that. To make her laugh, maybe just to play a few games of brawlhalla one more time. I've looked over tons of our convos multiple times just cause I remember how happy I was in those moments, talking to her. I watch her videos, I always leave a like, I'm always the first fucking one to too and she never knows it. I've rewatched that monster prom video a million times... I'm gonna bawl my fucking eyes out when she inevitably takes it down. I've watched the brawlhalla video on my channel so many times too, it's my favorite thing I've ever posted, it never fails to make me laugh. Maybe I fell too easily, but if I've still stayed this in love with her for this long... it has to be true.

But I need to acknowledge it doesn't matter. I won't have a relationship with her ever again, she's happy in her current one. I won't ever be her friend again, she has much lower risk friends. I won't ever be a part of her life again, and I wish I could try and find the bright side when it comes to that fact but there is none. Because as r/niceguys as it is, I know I could make her happier than anybody else ever has if she truly gave me a chance. I just know it. I wish I had the chance to prove that, though.

(from wills discord account which he didnt know i could still get into)