Notes

what do you do when the person you share everything wants to get rid of you....doesnt want you around any longer
for someone who meanr so much to them it was so easy to give you up...but its fair isnt it ? considering they once had a thing for you and you chose to date someone else over them...you sort of do deserve it.
i remember the way i felt about you..the way i looked at you when i had a thing for you then feeling unwanted and making a recless idiotic decision which luckily brought me back to you...But i respected you for who you were...hence i waited so my feelings for you wouldnt fade away and they never did only grew stronger and i asked you out...thought it was worth a shot you know..you were worth it..and you said yes,,but seeming and considering that you would have never asked me yourself it felt right...for once in my life in a long time a choice i made felt right ..you felt right..you werent just a ray of sunshine for me you were like a bright sunflower that happily shined at me...i told you the things i would never tell anyone so freely...the things i was most ashamed of in my life...i would consider them the sins i made the darkest parts of me...you made me accept them..you showed me how it was okay that i had done those things you talkedto me about them like it was just another thing..and all the shame and weight of embarrasment i had carried over the years on my shoulder felt like nothing...felt like someone sees me for the darkest parts of me and isnt afraid to still stand my me and look me in the face and say hey ,i ..love you and i love you the way you are.
ik i suck at love i become this obssesive bitch sometimes..i do things in my anger cause i never am able to directly express it..i turn into a freak show...believe me i know. You handled my darkness so much more than i could ever even imagine anyone ever could.
i believed we were mean to be.i did believe we were one epic love story.i thought you did too.But guess i was wrong.completely off to be quite on point. You dont even love me fot it to be a love story at the very least...Day before yesterday you told me that you didnt want this relationship..my mouth went to say but you arent in your right mind. But This time you were.Thats how i knew my heart was about to break.When i asked you tell me you loveme right.. i know you do...i actually believd you would say yes i do rashmi..but then your typing stopped and my heart skipped a beat and it sank...you started typing and for a moment ..just a tiny moment i had hope..i would hear those three words on my screen just relieving my heart of its misery...its weird when you have so much to say to someone but it feels like they dont want you there..especially when its your best friend...actually i dont really have a word for our bond cause i know its a lot more than that.
i texted and called you like a psychopath...thought maybe you would want to hear my voice as much i wanted to hear yours but the unanswered texts and declined...call you in 5 minutes phone calls should have answered my questions. then maybe i wouldnt have tried to contact you llike a crazy person...and now the whatsapp lastseen from your phone is shut off..instgram last seen from you phone is shut off...weirdly it only reminds me of what a fool and clingy bitch who doesnt value your space i have been...all this stuff i would have shared to you right now but doesnt really look like you would want me there..i value your space and guess you are better off without a clingy anxious slef deprived bitch. I know the bond that we share is beyond anyones understanding...and such bonds dont just come along easily...But i am too ashamed to even text you to be honest...for two days i was pretending to be okay so that my emotions wouldnt hit me and i would turn into a emotional wreck..but not facing them felt more empty inside...im sorry,i love you ...you said maybe you would feel the feelings you had for me..when we met..idk whats true..idk what or how to feel about that...i get you are unsure about your feelings...but idk what will happen when we meet.i sure ass hell dont ever wanna loose you . You mean just so much to me. I wish this is all a phase and you realise you still do love me. But idk if after the way acted for a month or 2 if me just normally talking to you would help or not..i guess you need space...from me. i watched a movie ..they had a dialogue it said "the tighter you hold on to someone ..the more they wanna slip away" i guess there is a lesson in that for me. And i choose to take it instead of being a stubborn little bitch. I Choose to set you free. Do what feels right to you and for you. You always got this idiot bestfriend anyway. i cant exactly send this to you cause then we would have to talk aboout it and i have no freaking idea what i would even say to be honest. I love you baby!