Notes

||How can people say that I'm not valid and I'm making things up to feel special and get attention. I'm literally such an introvert that I hate the even idea of talking to more than one person at a time, and maybe three people in total on a good day. I have severe social anxiety. I cry almost everyday, and when I'm not crying, I'm most likely feeling like it. I hate confrontation, and feel bad for literally disliking people who invalidate me. Why would I *want* to hate my body, Why would I want to have no idea who or what I am? Do they think that I don't have problems? Can they really not see how people suffer because of this? Can they *really* not see how this is not fake, how I wouldn't want to fake anything, how I am constantly depressed, anxious, or having a panic attack because I, myself, cannot tell if I'm faking? What if I am faking? That constantly plagues me, even as I hate my body, as I spiral deeper into depression, as I know and recognize that I have serious mental disorders, that I cannot just love another person, that I can't feel sexual attraction, I still think that I am faking. Why do I think I am faking? Because people tell me I am, people who I should be able to love and trust, people who stab me in the back every time I let down my guard, I think I'm developing *trust issues* but then again, how could I tell, I'd probably be faking. What if I am faking even being a real person? What if I do not have thoughts, emotions, of my own, what if I *made myself up*? Who even am I? How can they not see how I am *dying*, how with each passing day I want to kill myself more, how I look out the window and my mind seems to disappear, how can they not see? How can those who are supposed to love me, who are supposed to take care of me, who are supposed to be there, turn around, and instead of helping, smile. Smile, as they watch me wither away. Take their knife, and put it into me, again and again, driving it through my heart, my lungs, my tears. How can they?||