Notes

this isn't directed at you, it's just what's going through my brain rn.

Being the eldest sibling is daunting. I'm expected to take care of 3 younger siblings, one of which is suicidal and tried to kill herself not so long ago. I don't mind it, I love it when I help people or be the reason why someone smiles and laughs. I think my personality makes me unable to find happiness on my own, but I find it in people's smiles and laughs.

Smiling and laughing, that's also what's hurting me. I'm expected to be the perfect eldest son, who takes care of his parents in and out, do house chores, and also cook. Again, I don't mind doing those, they make me happy. But I'm not allowed to show vulnerability or weakness in my family.

Growing up in a conservative, largely sexist, Muslim society and being raised by Asian parents supressed my feelings too much.

"You're a man, stop crying" my dad would yell at me after he slapped my face at the age of 15, accusing me of hitting my youngest sibling on the head with no real evidence when in fact my sibling just tripped while jumping on the bed and I was 2 meters away. The more I try to explain, the more I get slapped.

"Talk to girls again, I dare you" my mom would yell at my face when I was 14 yo while I'm crying and screaming from the pain caused by forced-fed Chinese chilli oil by my her hands. I literally have PTSD if I eat super spicy food now.

"You don't belong here, you're not welcomed" I heard it at last 5 times in each and every schoolyear. My glasses were broken 3 times in highschool from getting bullied.

"Don't fight back, we're mere Chinese here in this country. If you fight back or have a voice, we might get deported or you might get jailed" My mom's response to me everytime I tell her about how I got bullied.

Smiling and laughing, that's how I'm expected to act, that's what I'm expected to show.

And because of having to suppress my feelings IRL, I think that's why I'm sometimes too honest with my friends online.



If someone does something that pisses me off or makes me uncomfortable, I point it out. Which often leads to me sounding like an annoying bitch. I'm not trying to justify that. I'm self-aware, so I'm simply trying to analyze the way I think and act.

I wonder if I'm being selfish when I'm being selfless, help others, and genuinely do my best to make them happy and feel special, because in reality I'm doing it for my own happiness that I lack the ability to produce on my own. I'll just call this the happy paradox.

Anyways, life keeps on going. No one might care about me, you might not care about me, but I still care about you.
Even though I feel like you probably don't look at me as a friend, and even if you did, you probably don't think of my as close of a friend as I do of you. But that's fine. I've been suppressing my feelings IRL, what makes it so difficult to suppress the negative feelings I get from you? I'll try to do it. I'll try to be a better friend.