Notes

Quite the elaboration for a six-letter word. A double syllable combination that rolls off the tongue, with a sensation akin to the texture of sweet strawberry juice bursting in the mouth with every bite. Pronouncing the word felt right, poetic; as if it had layers of symbolism and meaning yet maintaining a posture of humility. I’ve always had a fascination with the word, never was I the type to stray from my ideals and ambitions, I was the kind who would sink my teeth in before locking my jaws on a goal and never let go. The word however, had its own subtle charm; the concept itself was rather simple, ‘awareness of our surroundings’ but the word exuded enough of an aura of sophistication, that it managed to shroud itself in a blanket of fabricated poise. After playing the role of a hard-nosed success-monger for so long, perhaps I have lost any form of creative identity; a way of thinking that was genuinely ‘me’ and not some mentality that was tailored to succeed, one that was just that -a role. Perhaps I crave the liberty of not having to maintain my prestige, of not having to worry about disappointing people -myself included. If we approach it from this angle, the word seems symbolic to me, because I no longer see myself as a vessel of success or desperate enough to sacrifice everything for it, rather I was looking for an excuse to distract myself from my duties and justify my negligence. With a distorted version of altruism; my distorted version, where I look at other with a façade of boldness, claiming that I would help solve their problems, disillusioned with the notion that I was capable of it; when in reality, I was the one desperate for help, for a solution