Babe, I don’t know how much this means to you, but I’m very guilty. I’m so guilty. I just can’t believe I do this to you. I really don’t. We have our opinions and they are different, and we both get upset. I don’t know how many times I hear this but apparently this is normal. It only gets worse because I make it worse. I drag it on, I get suicidal, then I apologised like it never happened. And thinking back on it it’s stupid and that’s my problem for not realising it from the start. I’m deeply sorry for being like this. I wish the word ‘sorry’ has more meaning than it currently does. But this is me feeling genuine and sorry. This quarantine has been tough and I know we’re both thinking about shit, but at the same time, I’m frken loving the way things are going between us. I love how we check up on each other, while you’re studying, while I’m studying, after I sleep. It got really bad just then, but on the positive side, it was going so well. I want to make another apology, this all wouldn’t happened if I took care in the words I was saying, and I’m talking about when I told you to chill. This essay has been getting to me, and it’s really unfair that I should be giving you this attitude when you had nothing to do with the essay and how the essay is really hitting me. I really wish I was more thoughtful, I really do. And then everything that came after later in the night, It wouldn’t have happened if I was more sane, and more calm about things, because I was actually really really stressed and crying as well, when something like that shouldn’t be worth crying and being upset about. Sorry if I’m not making sense, I’m sitting outside as I type this, it makes me more at ease. The big thing to take out of this is that I really loved the way things were going, besides the fact that I couldn’t see you. Being away from you each day makes me miss you 100x more than the previous day. I look through our photos, when I have time, I think about how many more days until I get to see you. I just think about you. And I’m positive that you think about me as well. Seeing you on the other side of the phone when we call makes me miss you a lottt. We can both agree that I get too much sometimes when I get upset, and I really think this is the main problem. We can fight about whatever we want, but it’s what happens after that makes this relationship fucked up. After ending the call before, it made me think, it made me think how much I actually care for you, how much I’ve actually changed since my premature days into our relationship (last year). If I didn’t care about us, I wouldn’t have changed to the new person I am. And I know this ‘new person’ isn’t fully perfect yet, but it’s something. We both have the same objective, we both want to make this work, and right now I really think its because of my problems and how it brings the both of us down. I think about earlier on how I ended the relationship, I thought about how it would make you feel happier. Making you feel happier is my priority babe, but I also want to be happier with you. I know you’ve given me so many chances, and you give your everything to try and help me, and I realise that, and I say to myself, this is the girl I want to be with forever. This girl actually cares about me. She wouldn’t stick around with me just for the sake of being in a relationship. This is the girl that I should be trying 10 times harder for. This is the girl that I shouldn’t let my problems bring her down. This girl does so much for her family and for me. This is the girl I need to change for. The dumb guy I am, this is the stuff I forget about when we fight. And just know I’m still developing to be a better person, to be mature when handling things like this. I love you so much. I want this to work as much as you do, and I’m so sorry if you don’t see it. The big thing that you’re probably upset about is that, I give you no right to be upset and mad, and that’s just unfair. For the effort and will you put in, only for me to disappoint you like that, you have every right to feel they way you are. And I’m sorry for that. I need to learn how to just accept things like you mentioned, and not let it weigh me down, as well as not weighing the both of us down. I don’t want you to think that I’m just trying to get you to forgive me through this message, but all I can ask for is you to just understand that I’m sorry and regretful. And its so stupid how we fight like that, and next thing you know I’m writing this long as message. I get if you think I really don’t care, but I wouldn’t be spending a full hour writing this if I didn’t care. Again, I’m sorry for everything that has happened in the past 24 hours. I love you so much, and I really miss you (tearing up), I wish I could see you everyday, and I wish this stupid quarantine is over with and go to back to uni again. I miss the times when we study together, then eat everyday and walk back to the station. This sucks so much.
Finally, I know I don’t really want this to happen, but I’m going to respect any decision you make, whether you want to go on a break, then we can go on a break. I can’t force us to continue if you’re not entirely happy about it. That’s it.
Love you my sleepyhead <3
