Notes

i was under sunny skies and fluffy clouds. i had not a worry in the world, but even then you were in my thoughts, always. your smile was probably the best thing that ever existed in the sober and drunk world of mine. i think you rubbed off of me in a lot of ways, so many i can never think of the right words to scramble them in, for others to listen and understand, but they're here somewhere in my head, in my heart, in my eyes.. underneath all the blurry vision and foggy weather, and confused emotions. when i try to sleep now its a struggle so i take more than enough melatonin, or keep the TV on till i'm burned out.. and i don't remember me always being like this until you disappeared, growing up came along, and complications popped up. its silly how someone so special to you can leave one day, act like they never cared, and just make everything a little bit harder for you. i never know when you will appear in my view to where i just drop down to the ground and feel dead, i never know when a tear or 100 tears will run down my face. everyone says " you're better than that" , "get over it, move on" , "lets drink to that", "fuck it" .. but you know how heartless and scared they sound? that's called running away.. if i'm hurt and its bleeding on the inside i just need to breakdown for a moment because i have feelings and were humans.. were full of them. lately I've been spreading my wings trying to let time takeover and do its thing like you told me a plenty of times to do, but sometimes i just wonder. Wonder and wonder when, or if you will ever jump into this adventure with me again. it often feels like you're a thousand miles away from me or just never existed, like a fantasy dream or a dream of a place where you really wanted to be but it was false, not real as soon as you woke up. disappointment. maybe its a sign though, that you're are really gone and not for me but that doesn't stop this feeling inside of wanting you to be, its an urge, you're my urge. starting to forget the way that somebody looked at you and just putting it up up and away in the air is probably the first step to happiness but its not going to be easy, nothing is. missing someone that you cant have is the most lost feeling