Albie, grades aren't as important as your mental health. As a society we put a lot of pressure on students to do amazing in school and get those grades instead of putting pressure on them to retain the information. Your grades didn't matter then, they don't matter now. I'm sure you didn't retain all the information you learned while you had straight A's, sure, the computer saying that you had good grades might help you in the future - but I promise you, bad ones aren't gonna ruin it. Stuff like self harming, I can't tell you I understand it. I don't. I can't, I wish I could so I could help more, but I can't understand it. Nobody expects anybody to go through it, but you being the type of person you are it's not surprising. You've had a rough life, with your dad and all, and maintaining straight A's takes a toll on your mental health. You said it yourself, it stressed you out a lot. You're an incredibly nice person too, and as r/niceguys as it is, nice people are generally the people who get fucked a lot. It sucks, but it opens you up to be taken advantage of, used, abused. It's really shitty. It's a blessing and a curse to be as nice as you are, I absolutely love you for it though. Anybody who's tired of hearing you complain isn't a person worth being in your life. It's really that simple. I love you, and because I love you I'm willing to listen to your complaints for as long as you need me to. Anybody else who loves you or cares about you will do the same. It's not like you JUST complain, you do things for people. You're nice to a fault. You're funny, whether or not you believe it. And you have a laugh that makes it impossible not to smile. I know it sucks to see your parents break down, and even if I don't agree with their parenting at all - let me stress that, like, at all. - they DO care about you. Sadly, things like depression and self harm are gonna affect the people in your life that care about you. For somebody as nice as you, I think that's the best motivation possible to put effort into getting better. It does hurt to see you like this, it hurts so much, but it's not about me. But I know you're strong enough to make it through, and I can't wait to see that. When you're happy... you're just the most amazing girl. I love it. I love you. I'm never gonna "not wanna deal with you." I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I love you with all my heart, I am here no matter how sad you get. I'm here to help as much as I can, and be there, and show you how deserving of love you are. The only thing that could push me away is if I'm watching you give into it without putting in effort, that's why stuff like getting back into therapy is so important. I need to see effort, and I'll have no reason to leave you. Love isn't leaving because your partner's in a rough state, I'd hope you wouldn't do that to me, and I certainly won't to you. I know not having your friends around, Aliah, Ant. I know it's hard. I know you're scared to drop Ant. I know it's all scary, but the first step in getting better DOES start with you. If you take action, it'll have a noticable effect on you. If it's positive action like dropping toxic people, that's great. If it's negative, like self harming, you're gonna feel it. You just straight up saying you know you should drop Ant is reason enough to drop him. BUT, in your unique situation, I would say to be on the search for new friends and maybe drop him once you have them - so long as the worst thing he does is being a fake piece of human garbage- MOVING ON! Let's talk about incest! Not really though. You see, my mind is a pretty weird place. I like to base as much as I can on reason and logic, sadly depression can't really be figured out with that - but situations contributing to it... maybe they can. I like having opinions on things, I like having the most "correct" opinion. The one that's most logic based, the one with the best reasonable foundation. The way I do this is quite simple, I'll genuinely sit down and spend some time in my mind arguing with myself. I do this with things like... telling you to drop Ant, for example. I didn't have time to, I was freaking out at the time, but if I did sit down and argue with myself it'd go like this. I'd start on the basis that I think he's a toxic part of your life, then I'd spend some time on that thought and do my absolute best to develop an argument against it, like that it's not my place to tell you what to do. Then I'd rinse and repeat until eventually I can't make any more arguments and I've landed on a solid opinion, reaction, ect. Maybe try to set aside 15 minutes whenever you see a big decision, and argue with yourself about it. Go back and forth in your own mind until your decision feels like it can't be argued against. Shit, I went on a tangent. I'm sure it does suck when people ask about your scars too, but understand it's because they're worried. They have a right to be too, people want you to be okay. They ask if you're okay because cuts show that you aren't, and scars show that you weren't. I can tell you hate confrontation, some people are just like that, and you hate the word panties? What the fuck? I love that word! But... if you don't want to use panties, I can get behind that ;) You don't dislike social interaction and that's very obvious. I think you might think you do, but you don't. If you did, you wouldn't be so adamant about keeping friends and having people to hang out with - I'd go as far as to say you thrive with social interaction. That you require it. Maybe not social interaction in large groups, or social interaction with strangers, but you need it to some extent with those around you, and that's very obvious. Your mom is right about you being very sad and it affecting everything around you, I'm sorry, but she is. It's obvious, we talk everyday and I've had the displeasure of watching you fall from a pretty happy person into a very sad one. It hurts to see, but I know you'll go back to my happy Albie one day! But, none the less, hopefully this little vacation will be good for you as a bit of a distraction. I think you could use it. I don't think video games are your problem but then again, I'm quite biased. I play a lot of games though, and I get more mad than you, and I'm not depressed. I think that's just a classic case of parents thinking video games are the cause of all evil. I love you a lot. I went all tingly reading about how much you love me, it means a lot to me. I'm happy you do. I know you love me, but admittedly at times I can have my doubts because I'll blame myself for things, or remember "holy shit, she's like so great and I'm uh... me." I've been trying to work on it, I used to be able to tell myself you wouldn't be so happy if I was a bad boyfriend since in the past you were susceptible to sadness and depression. It's hard to fall back on that lately :( I do know you love me though, and I love you too. But no squeezies! We're gonna make it through this princess. We're gonna do this together <3 I'll be here the whole way through to help as much as I can. I love you so. fucking. much.
