Notes

I just want to feel normal. I want to be able to tell myself that I'm okay, that I'm perfectly fine and be able to believe it. It's like there's these poisonous vines growing around my heart. They're gripping tight, I can almost feel my heart stop beating. I breathe deeply because I now realize what a privilege it is. But every time I breathe in I can smell him, smell him on me every time. its only luck that keep s me from throwing up. He tells me that I'm the same as him, that I just don't accept my instincts. I feel so...... dead, so pointless, worthless, defenseless, hurting. I now realize that the years I spent wanting to die, to bleed out, to overdose is because he made me feel like I didn't deserve to live. Or rather I wasn't strong enough to fight the demons. If demons were like him I knew I had no chance. He used to tell me that it was love. It was the same type of love I got from my father just on a greater level. He finds out things about me, about my family that friends don't even know. I now believe this is the only safe place to express and explain my mind. I can't tell anyone in any type of way. No one will ever understand. No one will ever be able to realize. There's no point talking about from this point on because he will find out. He's listening, laughing, thinking it's entertainment. That my pain is fun. I've never fully explained that night to anyone. No one else has the flashbacks. No one else heard the voices. No else screamed. It was only me. I'm the only that will ever fully understand. I will never fully be okay. I will never rid this poisoned flesh that is apart of me. When you think about a criminal you think of someone who is just so frustrated that they use their anger to misuse force and torment. Where as he is the pure darkness that seeps through the bottoms of the earth. He laughs when I cry. He smiles when I scream. He mocks me when I apologize. He tells me he can help me, that he can get me places no one else could. I don't know if I will ever live a life without him. If he'll ever leave me. If he'll ever get bored. If he'll ever let me live. If he'll ever release his wounded prey he uses for amusement.