Notes

i am feeling odd at the moment. i don't know who i really am right now. i feel lost and uncertain about many things. why did he block me,what did i do to him, what is going to happen tomorrow when i see him, all these questions i can not answer and that scares me. why doesn't he feel the same like why can't he like me back. i just want to experience 1 good relationship but no he has to hug,kiss,touch,and show feeling to ANY other girl. i don't know what i do to deserve the way he treats me. BC i know its wrong too but i keep going back.i guess you could say i'm jealous but there's nothing i want more than for him to just once show a little affection other than him hugging me BC that shits boring now. i wonder what he thinks when he does the stuff he does. he played me. straight up played me. said he wanted something,said he liked me,said he loved me,said i could be his. but it's over. it's over for good. i can't stop thinking about what could've happened what we could've been. how great that would be. everyone would see him finally with a girl and say "wow she's one lucky girl" but that won't happen. he can't settle BC of his hoes. his hoes that he cares about more than me. ugh i wonder. i wonder so much why he did it to me and why i kept falling for it every time. every single time. i'll understand this soon and look back on it and laugh at how dumb i was to like someone who would never like me back, but for now i will sit and wonder and think a lot just about him. maybe after all of this we can still be friends maybe not. tomorrow is going to be different. i am going to stop myself from talking to him. going to tell him "shut up i don't wanna hear it anymore." there's nothing else i can do but ignore it and move on. we are in the past and there's no coming back. no more of him. no more of us. just me. me myself and i. that's all i need for awhile. i just want to see macey and cry forever and never leave. maybe never go to school again actually. but homeschool would be the death of me. i could never spend that much time around my mom. and ethan boy wow hes so sweet but too short not right in the head either. i just like the way he says my name. but i also like the way oscar says my name is voice SO satisfying. God what is wrong with me. why do all 8th grade boys have to suck. like i can't find one good one. well actually if larry ever liked me i would go CRAZY. i'd possibly ask him out myself. now he's perfect. smart,cute,nice,my parents would love him. this is home by cavetown is hitting differently now. what a subject change but i just wanna be someone to somebody. you know what i mean? like if there was every a huge party and someone was looking for just me? to see if i was ok? gee i'd cry on the spot and confess my love. speaking of love, i love sydney,. like if i imagine life without her wow what a sad life. i'd kill myself. honestly i just wanna be happy like why can't good things or good vibes come my way. i feel as if im just here. like no purpose and i have a weird feeling that when i grow up i won't be important or i'll be forgotten by everyone and everything. it's a sad cruel world i'm living in. Heaven would be better than this. at least i'll be with my God and my Savior. what a crazy time that would be. what a crazy life i'm living. bless me Lord I love you and goodnight :<(