Notes

i'm sorry to bother you and i know you said i shouldn't be saying sorry but i really can't do this anymore. i'm really sorry for messaging you, you probably dont even want anything to do with me anymore and i can understand why. you're probably completely over me and i'm not even on you're mind anymore and you're happy and i hope you are. i wasn't paranoid because of my ex, it has nothing to do with my ex, all i wanted was to just spend time with you but i couldn't so i started to got angry about it because you are where you are and i'm here so i just wanted to spend time with you, it has nothing to do with apex because it's just a game like you said, i just wanted to spend time with you because i liked you and i missed spending time with only you but everytime we played, it was always with ace and that made me think that you didn't care about me because if you did, you would have told ace that you just wanted to spend time with me for tonight and thats why i got angry and said i was leaving and never wanted to speak to you again but i didn't mean it and i'm sorry for ever assuming that we were ever a couple too, i'm so fucking embarrassed about it because i actually thought we were and reading that hurt so fucking much because i liked you so much and now it's all my fault that i may never get to speak to you again. i really don't want to message you because i'm trying to stay brave but these 3 weeks have been really fucking difficult and i needed you like i needed you so fucking much just someone to talk. i helped you so much when your parents were going through stuff, i was always there for you and tried to comfort you and make you feel better and to tell you that everything will be okay and it was, everything worked out in the end for your mom and dad and that made me so happy when you told me because i really do care about you so much and i always tried my hardest to be there for you but now i don't have you anymore. i feel like this is all my fault but it's both of our faults, i got angry and jealous and i got paranoid because i was missing you and wanted to spend time with you. i shouldn't even be messaging you right now, you told me not to because you don't want to deal with me and that i needed to hold my word. i tried to hold my word but i can't, im not brave or strong, i'm weak asf and i sound like a fucking idiot. i just want to say that you made me really happy, like i actually considered you my best friend because i trusted you and loved you, i really looked up to you too because you were always positive and happy and you didn't give a shit about what other people thought of you or said about you and i loved that about you. alot has happened in 3 weeks and my depression has got alot worse and i'm actually scared. i cry like every single day and just want to sleep all day so i don't have to wake up ever again, my uncle got in a motorcycle accident 5 days, so my parents went to go look after him because he has no one else so i've been left alone for christmas and had to spend christmas alone with just my dogs today and had leftover pizza for dinner just home alone. i said merry christmas to you and i keep checking my phone to see if you replied but you didn't and i don't know if you ever will. it was the only thing i wanted for christmas was for you to reply back to me. i'm really sorry for being a bitch to you, for everything. i sound really pathetic and a fucking idiot even writing this, it makes me sound desperate but i really dont want to lose you as a friend and i can't just end it like this. i hope you had a amazing christmas with your family.