Notes

Ive decided imma show you this Jordan. Im listening to music on here so don't close youtube out and when your done please knock on my door and leave my computer outside. also if you could and you don't have to please bring up some jello. I don't know how much longer I can stay alive for. Im done. Ive had enough. When all this started I was okay. I was fine. I could handle everything. But I don't know I guess everything has just caught up to me... the only time my momma really listens is when its something she can "fix" when she actually makes it worse. and she wonders why I never wanna talk to her... or apparently dad who just makes people feel awful to get what he wants. I don't wanna say I'm depressed but I think I am. I don't wanna smile anymore. Im tired of smiling. Its never real. Im so tired of living there is no point. we live for the small points in our lives when we can actually be happy. The rest for me is just... empty I guess. I don't really know. When im not crying Im just staring aimlessly into the distance. And I never really wanna do anything anymore. I only eat pretty much more to give me something to do and I enjoy the taste... one of the few things I enjoy anymore. Thats why I always want ice cream or something... I know I have people who care about me its just... I don't know. not enough? I do everything I can to make other people happy. Just to see them smile because... at least one of us can be happy. Right? But no one wants to make me happy. Maybe im just really good at hiding it? people just think im happy all the time because of how much I smile? god if only they knew. I wish for once someone would just push . Push harder. Force me to tell them what's wrong. Notice everything I do is forced. fake. I saved two people who were about to kill themselves 2 days ago. My friend even blamed himself for Mikaylas death. I always push for everyone to tell me whats wrong because I know somewhere deep down they just need relief. I give them the best advice that I can give because most of the time its what I want someone to tell me. Sometimes I don't even know why im sad. I just am. And I have plenty of reasons to be sad. I just never really know which one it is sometimes or if its no reason at all its just... me. I don't want a therapist. I don't trust. I don't like talking about my feelings. the only reason I talk to someone sometimes is if its too much and im afraid of what im gonna do if I don't get it out. Ive always wanted to go through sadness when I was younger. to know I had these emotions because there was nothing to be sad about back then. god I miss those days. I have always been strong with dealing with my sad emotions but i think its finally broke me. Im done. I literally can't anymore. There are even some windows where I finally feel ok. and they don't last long. But they are long enough for me to regret all my feelings which is why I try not to have any. and I make myself feel so bad im back into my sad slump and im back to everything I just said. No one notices the signs. the only chance I give people to notice im not ok is when its too much. and its usually when im home. and when someone like my mom notices it, she yells at me for giving her an attitude or not being ok or not eating. God she makes it so much worse. The best moments of my life now is when im high and I can't do that often anymore. Im just so done. Im just scared to show anyone this because im afraid of how they will react. I feel like they will know how I actually feel and I will be exposing myself and I will feel... I don't even know I just hate it. because I know for a fact I will regret it later. and I don't want extra attention for this. I don't want to be told I need help. I just want the person who sees this to understand how I feel. and not try to talk to me about getting help or how to feel better. that will just piss me off and I will regret it even more. I just need someone to understand what im going through and not say anything. Jordana if I do decide to show you this please do not tell mom or anyone. and please do not try to talk to me or tell me I need help or a theripest. just understand that when get mad or upset or just look off its because im just not in the mood or just too tired to hide it. and every time you see me happy or going out its to try and force myself to be happy for once because im tired of feeling like this. If I die, Just know im so much happier where im going. I get to see Mikayla again and maybe ill finally be happy(don't think im suicidal or nothing because at the moment im not and ill just say im fine because I am and im dealing with this the best I can). because im tired of always feeling like this. the second choice. too skinny, flat. not pretty enough. Too happy to be sad. always faking. never happy. I don't even feel like doing shit anymore. I don't like anything I used to love. I hate softball now. I don't really ever wanna go out. food has started to lose its taste. Nothings enough to make me happy. Nothing I do is enough to make anyone else happy. Nothings enough to make me happy anymore. Nothings ever enough. Im not enough. Im sorry for everything I've done wrong. I know im annoying. I know im awkward. I know im not good enough. Im sorry. but ill be okay. ill be fine. someday. I promise.