Notes

Making decisions is hard. It is one of my least favorite things to do. Do you want ice cream or cookies? Do you want to go to this school or another one? Do you want to work this summer or see your family? Down to the color of my shoes I hate making decisions. But choices are everywhere. Date this person or this person? Buy these clothes or these? What do you want for lunch? They burden over me every second of my life. If I make one wrong move it could mean the biggest mistake of my life. And then I can't fulfill my dreams. I think that this decision making problem stems from my childhood. My mother always made all my choices in life. My parents chose where I go to school, what sports I play, she made all those decisions for me, so I never learned how to make decisions on my own. I'm writing this now because I can't decide if I want to stay at Sound School or not. I can't decide if I want to stay or not so I'm not sure if I'll even be able to pick what school I go to if I decide to leave. For the first time in my life I'm not sure what I want to do. I used to want to be a teacher, then an artist, a few times I wanted to be a writer. But how can we tell our passions from our interests? Every time I flourish in my interests I go all in and suddenly I'm pressured to go to a school I dislike. Having her decide my fate was a lot easier then admitting the only reason I went to Sound is so I wouldn't be so alone. But I am. A failed relationship and a failed high school experience later, I'm still wondering what it would have been like to go to another school. Maybe being alone would allow more people into my life. Maybe being alone is the way I wouldn't be alone. This is why I hate decisions. There is always the possibility that I messed something up. I always seem to. Everything is a mess right now. My relationships, my future, my family. I'm not sure who I am at all. There doesn't seem to be a purpose in life anymore. I lost that passion to help others. I used to be so kind but now I feel so small. I'm not even able to make the smallest decisions so how am I supposed to know what I want to do with the rest of my life. My dad tells me that he plans everything and that it gets you where you want to be. I tried to plan. I made a plan and I tried to go through with it but it was the wrong plan for me. I want to graduate and be in a relationship blah blah blah. That whole period of time means nothing now because it was a waste. A waste of time. A waste of air. Why am I here if I'm just going to screw everything up. I overthink everything and my life is like a radioactive junkyard. I'm not sure why I'm pushing that girl away when she's one of the ones who I talk to a lot.