Notes

really pisses me off that everyone is just okay with shitting on spencer. i understand that jillian has a history with him, and i get why she would be pissed off at him. but it's so fucking frustrating that everyone acts like he never went here just to please her. anytime that i even mention his name, it's either uncomfortable silence, or gagging noises because jillian thinks it's funny to shit on guys who wouldn't date her. it's so hypocritical that she gets hurt feelings when some guy on the soccer team says stuff about her behind her back, but it's fine for her to talk shit about spencer behind his back, especially when i'm in the room and she knows that i'm still close with him. but no, it's me that has the shitty attitude, because i snapped and said one thing that i shouldn't have after she said stuff for the past 2 months that she knew was hurting me. it's amazing to me that after all the times i was there for her, all the times i stayed up until 2 am texting with her and making sure she's okay, she can't even have the decency to not talk shit about my friend while i'm right next to her. like honestly, imagine if i talked shit about Annika? compared her to trash being taken out? made gagging noises every time jillian mentioned her? she'd be fucking pissed, and rightfully so, because it's not okay to do stuff like that. i understand that not everything i'm saying right now is rational, because i'm in a bad mood right now and am just letting the bad thoughts in my mind get to me. more than anything i'm just sad. i went pretty much all of school without having a best friend. i was really insecure all throughout high school, i felt like i didn't have close friends because i wasn't good enough for anyone. honestly i still feel that way. i don't know how to explain it, i know it's unreasonable, but it's just always my gut feeling that i'm not good enough. i really wanted everything to change in college, and it did, i got to college and everything was great, i finally had someone who i could call my best friend and i was theirs as well. and then things changed and oh well, i can deal with that. it sucks but i'm alright. it's just the nail in the coffin that the one person who finally thought i was good enough gets this treatment.