Notes

I'm writing this during a pretty bad anxiety attack so please pardon the structure

Over the past couple years, I've been uncomfortable with myself. Thinking about odd things, wanting stuff I shouldn't?
Stayed that way for years because I didn't know why I felt that way and once I did I stayed that way because I was terrified of losing everything. Losing my housing if you reacted poorly, losing my (ex) girlfriend if she reacted poorly, ruining practically my whole life over something that I at the time thought was just foolish fantasy.

Then stuff changed. I lost my girlfriend because of those thoughts, I was pretty sure I was going to lose my housing so i figured "Why not ask people about this stuff?" Over the past couple months I tried to make those thoughts go away. I went to therapists to try and get rid of this stuff, to find a solution. I got diagnosed with gender dysphoria (GD) which is tldr; a misalignment with brain chemistry and body. (I'm skipping over a lot there and simplifying it quite a bit, ask me later if you don't kick me out!)

long story short, I'm transgender. To be honest I really don't want to be! It comes with a lot of stigma, it's almost a death sentence and it's absolutely terrifying.
Anyways, it's the reason behind a lot of stuff you've been skeptical about recently!
Overuse of razors- Mens razors are designed to be worn out much faster than womens because you use them on a very small area. I on the other hand shave my whole body because hair gives me panic attacks. That's why I went through my razors so fast!
Pants- The pants were given to me by the people at a charity. They didn't fit (2" short, I could make it work ;P) but I knew that but it was better than my mind beating me up about it for the whole school day
Groups- Couldn't tell you where I was at any given time because you'd figure it out.
Staying up in my room 24/7
Growing out my hair

There are a lot of things however which are *not* related to this stuff, like my grades. That's a whole other can of worms but I'm already pushing my luck sending you this and I would like to have a chance at keeping my housing so I'll hold off on that.


Everything I've been hiding from you!
-I'm severely depressed and I've attempted suicide a couple times
-I'm trans, I've been going to groups and attending therapy sessions for that
-I've been helping a couple people both IRL and online through stuff which takes quite a toll on me
-I've been searching for free counceling because I'm still terrified of you. You hold all the power in my life and while I've been trying my damndest to move past all that I haven't managed to just yet which is really annoying because you've improved! I;m just extremely paranoid of having a counselor on your payroll because gosh what if they spill my secrets, y'know?
-My ex broke up with me over the trans stuff and then she went and did lewd shit with a bunch of people I was close with. I still haven't moved on and it still haunts me (another reason I want counseling)


OF NOTE:
I'm still somewhat unsure about all this, but it's what my mind and the doctors said is most likely
I might not be trans! Who fucking knows? I just can't stand having to lie or not explain things to hide shit.