Notes

For the first several years of my life my father drank heavily. He stopped around the time I was 5, but he was abusive after that, physically toward my mother and very verbally abusive toward my brother and I. He has Aspergers Syndrome and therefore he cannot work... which left my mother to work 12 hour shifts every day. That left me at home to take care of my brother, ( My father would not even leave his bedroom as he was too busy sleeping or playing video games) Take in mind that I was 6 and my brother was 3 1/2. My father, being as he is, never cooked for us so I grew up way to early. I would cook for my brother and I and clean the house... We had a lot of dogs and to put it lightly our house did not stay clean ever. Anyway, all that translates to now, because my father is still very verbally abusive toward me, my brother, and my mother. My parents get in very loud verbally agressive/violent fights quite often. My mother regards my brother with a sort of reverence that I don't understand.. And that shows itself by her letting him slack on chores nd whatnot, where as if I were to slack on chores, or forget something, I get a lecture.. And my mothers lectures toward me usually turn into her screaming at me about how I never do anything right. I've tried several times to talk to my mom about these things and how I feel. But any time I try, she ends up yelling at me telling me that I can't do anything right and that I need to stop "complaining" Because I guess in her mind, me expressing the slightest dislike for something she does is "complaining" and in my house, complaining is sometning you do NOT do. My main issue with my mother is that she does not know how to ask me nicely for things or speak to me like I am a human being. She always yells at me and she speaks to me like I am useless.. And I know most people (adults) thing most teenagers feel this way. But in all honesty I've tried and I've sat to listen to see if maybe I am over reacting and maybe she doesn't really yell? But she does.. and it wouldn't bother me TOO much if she acted like this toward my brother as well.. But she doesn't. She makes me feel like I never do anything correctly and that I shouldn't even be here... My father is basically the same.. but he's more terrifying and a lot more verbally agressive. I've been called a mistake, a useless bitch and everything you can think of. I've been informed that the very moment I turn 18 I better have somewhere to stay or I'll be homeless... I've been taken out of public school because of anxiety, depression and self-harm.. I've tried and tried to tell my mother that therapy alone will not help.. I need them to change some things but my mom thinks that NOTHING is her fault. I've told her that her yelling makes me panic and it makes me shake. I've told her what she does and how it effects me in effort to have her change but it's useless... I'm at my wits end and I don't know what to do. I'm anxious, I have an eating disorder, and at times I feel suicidal, and I can't tell my mother because she turns it around on me and I end up getting screamed at for telling how I feel. I feel like I can't do anything right, I feel like I'm the only one trying in my family and the only thing that has stopped me from doing something stupid, is that I don't want my family to regard me as "Selfish" when I'm gone.