Notes

KATE MONSTER
Morning, Brian!
(she runs on the screen, waving her hand at Lia)

BRIAN
Hi, Kate Monster.
(rolling eyes and shoving her off)

KATE MONSTER
How's life?
(Hands on chin looking up at her)

BRIAN
Disappointing!
(Sad, annoyed face)

KATE MONSTER
What's the matter?
(Hands still on chin, but with her head tilted and confused)

BRIAN
The catering company laid me off.
(Sad face, pointing towards a thought bubble of a scribbled situation of what happened)

KATE MONSTER
Oh, I'm sorry!
(Looking genuinely concerned)

BRIAN
Me too! I mean, look at me! I'm ten years out of college, and I always thought -
(Dramatically holding her hand to her forehead and wiping away a tear)

KATE MONSTER
What?
(Looking a little annoyed and pouting at her)

BRIAN
No, it sounds stupid.
(Move dramatic movements and fake crying)

KATE MONSTER
Aww, come on!
(Encouraging her)

BRIAN
When I was little I thought I would be...
(Cuts to a scribbled drawing of her looking at the stars as a kid)

KATE MONSTER
What?
(Looking excitedly at her from the side)

BRIAN
A big comedian on late night TV
But now I'm thirty-two
And as you can see
(Looking hopefully at the sky)
I'm not
(Looks back down at zoe, annoyed)

KATE MONSTER
Nope!
(Blissfully and ignorantly destroying her dreams)

BRIAN
Oh Well,
(raises hands with a smile)
It sucks to be me.
(throws them down heavily and groaning)

KATE MONSTER
Nooo.
(looking kind of annoyed at this point)

BRIAN
It sucks to be me.
(giving up, turning around and throwing hands up)

KATE MONSTER
No!
(Very Annoyed)

BRIAN
It sucks to be broke
(counts off one finger)
and unemployed
(counts off second finger)
and turning thirty-three.
(counts off third finger)
It sucks to be me.
(throws her hands up and huffs)

KATE MONSTER
Oh, you think your life sucks?
(shoves her aside and takes the spotlight)

BRIAN
I think so.
(Cockily turns her nose up)

KATE MONSTER
Your problems aren't so bad!
I'm kinda pretty
(puts tops of hands under chin)
And pretty damn smart.
(puts her finger to her head)

BRIAN
You are.
(looks down at her cockily)

KATE MONSTER
Thanks!
I like romantic things
Like music and art.
(When it says music ti shows a weird rock album, and on art it shows a bad scribble)
And as you know
I have a gigantic heart
(she holds out her hands from her chest like shes asking for a hug)
So why don't I have
(smiles with eyes closed)
A boyfriend?
(still smiling, but more violently and her eyes open, bloodshot)
f**k!
(throws her hands down in fists)
It sucks to be me!
(throws her hands up)

BRIAN
Me too.
(Lia leans forward, her hand on her chest)

KATE MONSTER
It sucks to be me.
(angrily stomping towards lia)

BRIAN
It sucks to be me.
It sucks to be Brian...
(she looks up with eyes closed and a hand on her chest)

KATE MONSTER
And Kate...
(Zoe slides in, lia opening her eyes and looking down)

BRIAN
To not have a job!
(Looks very concerned at the camera while smiling and hands looking like shes displaying a board)

KATE MONSTER
To not have a date!
(Zoe crosses her arms and pouts)

BOTH
It sucks to be me.
(they both point to themselves)

BRIAN
Hey, Rod, Nicky, can you
settle something for us?
Do you have a second?

ROD
Ah, certainly.

KATE MONSTER
Whose life sucks more?
Brian's or mine?

NICKY AND ROD
Ours!

ROD
We live together.

NICKY
We're as close
As people can get.

ROD
We've been the best
of buddies...

NICKY
Ever since the
Day we met.

ROD
So he knows lots
Of ways to make me
Really upset.
Oh, every day is
An aggravation.

NICKY
Come on, that's
an exaggeration!

ROD
You leave your
clothes out.
You put your feet
On my chair.

NICKY
Oh yeah?
You do such an*l
Things like ironing
Your underwear.

ROD
You make that very
Small apartment
We share a hell.

NICKY
So do you,
That's why I'm in hell too!

ROD
It sucks to be me!

NICKY
No, it sucks to be me!
KATE MONSTER
It sucks to be me!

BRIAN
It sucks to be me!

ALL
Is there anybody here
It doesn't suck to be?
It sucks to be me!

CHRISTMAS EVE
Why you all so happy?

NICKY
Becuase our lives suck!

CHRISTMAS EVE
Your lives suck?
I hearing you correctly? Ha!
I coming to this country
For opportunities.
Tried to work in
Korean deli
But I am Japanese.
But with hard work
I earn two Master's Degrees
In social work!
And now I a therapist!
But I have no clients
And I have an
Unemployed fiance'!
And we have lots
Of bills to pay!
It suck to be me!
It suck to be me!
I say it
Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-
Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-
Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-
Suck!
It suck to be me!

PRINCETON
Excuse me?

BRIAN
Hey there.

PRINCETON
Sorry to bother you, but I'm
looking for a place to live.

CHRISTMAS EVE
Why you looking all
the way out here?

PRINCETON
Well, I started at Avenue A,
but so far everything is out
of my price range. But this
neighborhood looks a lot cheaper!
Oh, and look - a "For Rent" sign!

BRIAN
You need to talk to
the superintendent.
Let me get him.

PRINCETON
Great, thanks!

BRIAN
Yo, Gary!

GARY COLEMAN
I'm comin'! I'm comin'!

PRINCETON
Oh my God!
It's Gary Coleman!

GARY COLEMAN
Yes I am!
I'm Gary Coleman
From TV's
Diff'rent Strokes
I made a lotta money
That got stolen
By my folks!
Now I'm broke and
I'm the butt
Of everyone's jokes,
But I'm here -
The Superintendent!
On Avenue Q -

ALL
It sucks to be you.

KATE MONSTER
You win!

ALL
It sucks to be you.

BRIAN
I feel better now!

GARY COLEMAN

Try having people
stopping you to ask you
"What you talkin' 'bout, Willis?"
It gets old.

ALL
It sucks to be you
On Avenue Q
(Sucks to be me)
On Avenue Q
(Sucks to be you)
On Avenue Q
(Sucks to be us)
But not when
We're together.
We're together
Here on Avenue Q!
We live on Avenue Q!
Our friends do too!
'Til our dreams
Come true,
We live on Avenue Q!

PRINCETON
This is real life!

ALL
We live on Avenue Q!

NICKY
You're gonna love it!

ALL
We live on Avenue Q!

GARY COLEMAN
Here's your keys!

ALL
Welcome to Avenue Q!